Carpe Diem

“Open the gates and seize the day.  Don’t be afraid and don’t delay.” ~ David Moscow in Newsies.

Yesterday was quite a day.  I spent a little time with a friend at the end of a long, tiring, sun burnt day (and was glad I did) and so made up this poster about her current state of mind- things that she was going to do to make herself happy, things that are really bothering her, things that annoy her, lyrics that describe her feelings; things like that.  The one that really caught my eye was “things I’ve lied about recently”.  See, she and I have a lot of things in common.  One of those things is that we’re really good (and compulsive) liars.  Lately, I’ve been trying not to lie.  My lies (as of late) have been lies of omission.  Things that I feel like I should tell someone, but don’t, or can’t (for some reason; usually because I’m afraid to).  I mean, just plain-up not-telling-the-truth is a lie, right?

So, after she went back inside her house, I took a deep breath, and went and found Bryan.  Bryan and I have been working really hard to improve our relationship and find ourselves in it again.  No.  Scratch that.  Bryan’s been working really hard.  I’ve been sitting and waiting.  He hasn’t asked a lot of me, but the least I could do is be honest with him.  And I haven’t been.  So I met him at the college and we walked around downtown.  From Keene State to Cheshire Homes to the Colony Mill back to Subway and the Central Square.  It was peaceful, the temperature was just right, and I was honest with him.  As honest as I could be.  I mean… it’s really hard to explain to your boyfriend of three years that not only do you bond better with people of the opposite gender (he knew that already) but you often develop crushes on them and become overprotective of them.  That you step outside your relationship and assess what a relationship would be like with them.  Goodness knows I’ve done it so many times since I’ve been dating Bryan.  With Isaac.  With Ian.  With David (although, to my credit, David initiated that train of thought, and it lingered in my brain for a while).  With Sean.  Sean has been the worst.  David could have been the worst, but he was in a relationship with I knew him.  He’s getting married to that same woman now, next summer.  I’m really happy for him.  But it’s been different with Sean lately.

I told Bryan this.  Since I told Bryan this, it doesn’t seem weird saying it anymore.  Sean is a really nice guy.  He’s got a great sense of humor, a million stories, and he definitely has one thing that Bryan hasn’t:  empathy.  But on the other hand, I still see that he likes to drink (a lot) and he has a huge circle of friends (I’m not a social person.  Me + computer = love), he’s an athlete (never much cared for the whole sweaty body-builder whatevs thing).  I don’t find him physically attractive (I also don’t find him physically unattractive.  In his case, it’s the hair.  His hair is really thin, not luscious.  Hair is a big thing for me).  But yet, whenever I’ve been with him lately, I feel uplifted, even if only in the smallest way.  And whenever I mention my relationship to Bryan with him, I feel like I come back to “why am I with him anyway?” and we find a whole new list of incompatibilities.  It’s interesting, to say the least.  I don’t know.  Maybe I’m just looking for them.

But you know what?  I told Bryan all that.  Every word.  And he didn’t get mad, he didn’t get jealous, he didn’t get upset.  He just walked beside me and trusted me in a way that he never has before.  That meant a lot to me, so very much, and I felt like this huge burden had been lifted.  Now Bryan knows, I feel silly about it all.  Bryan never said a word against me.  He didn’t cling.  He openly admitted that things like that… they’ve happened to him in the past too.  And like me, there was nothing concrete, there was nothing better in the potentiality of a relationship with the others.  And there’s no promise of a relationship at any rate, if things had been broken off.  It felt so good, having him confide that in me.  I feel, this morning, so much better (sans sun burn and impending final exam).

I think, through Sean and Sammy’s guidance (Sammy is totally my pep talk girl.  She tells me straight up when I’m being stupid, and I love it) and Bryan and I learning to trust each other again… I’m going to be okay.  I’m still terrified about my future (so close and daunting) and I’m still a little indifferent about the world at times (honestly think it might be springtime + stress, though.  I really, really hate springtime).  But today is Thursday.  It’s not a special day, but it’s a new day.  And I’m going to step up and be a big person, and well… carpe diem.  I’m going to seize the day.

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Weather Report: It’s cool and raining again.  My sun-burnt shoulders are relieved.  Going to need to dig out a coat, though.  Maybe I’ll find my school id in one of the pockets.

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Health Report: My stomach is growling.  My diet yesterday was terrible, and I’m still regretting it.  When I got home from work I had a whole can of tomato soup mixed with water, basil, cayenne, and mozzarella cheese.  Plus five slices of white bread smothered with I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter.  Pretty bad, right?  But that wasn’t the worst of it.  I later had a small serving of Spanish rice with mozzarella cheese.  Then a whole pint of Ben and Jerry’s Extreme Chocolate Brownie ice cream. … … And then (wait for it) a flat bread wrap from Subway with teriyaki chicken, Monterrey Jack cheese, some onions and a small amount of sweet onions sauce.  So yeah.  I feel fat.  Over the last two days, I have spent between six and eight hours walking, but I’m pretty sure that won’t cover the Ben and Jerry’s….

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Words Worth Getting At: I wrote a Flash Fic yesterday, but then the internet went down, so I posted it this morning.  The words were crap yesterday.  And I was watching NCIS simultaneously, so it’s definitely not my best work.  You can kind of see where NCIS inspired it, though.  It’s Inspection Day.  …  I’ve also been working on a “book of cheat sheets,” I’m calling it.  Mini-character sketches with the most basic of information.  Got Daniel, Harley, and Riley done so far.  I may do some more soon-ish.  I want to get bits and pieces of the world in there too, if I can.  Just a quick reference guide that’s a little lighter and more mobile than the binder I’ve got my 20-page character sketches shoved into now.

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Social Life: I think I’ve been pretty busy this week!  Sean on Tuesday, then both Sammy and Bryan yesterday (w00t for spontaneous hang out time!) and then I’m getting up crazy early tomorrow to meet Bryan for breakfast, because we want to go the the Swanzey Diner, because they’re yummy.  I’ve already got my heart set on stuffed french toast!

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Schoolhouse Rock: I have my last final today.  Almost officially done with my junior year of college.  Holy Number 2 Pencils, Batman… that’s kinda terrifying.

All the Little Things….

“What I needed most was to love and to be loved, eager to be caught. Happily I wrapped those painful bonds around me; and sure enough, I would be lashed with the red-hot pokers of jealousy, by suspicions and fear, by burst of anger and quarrels.” ~ Saint Augustine.

Sean’s back and I couldn’t be happier.  Lets see if I stay happy.  Right now, I am.  And he remembered to get me my shell, which also makes me happy, and its going to go on a shelf with Steve (the stingray-rock) and Steve’s friend (the heart-shape rock)

I’m a sucker for tidbits and gidgets.  They’re no fun if you buy them for yourself, but when other people see you and say “HEY!  I was at the dollar store and I saw this terribly ugly thing and it reminded me of you because of this conversation we had once about this thing and that and then we ended up talking about owls and isn’t this the ugliest owl you’ve ever seen?  It’s for you!” … that?  That’s awesome.  And even if it’s the ugliest thing in the world, I will find a home for it.

DISCLAIMER:  don’t get me a lot of random little things, because I’m running out of space!  But they’ll still make me happy.  But only because it shows that you were thinking of me.  See, that’s the thing.  It may be the ugliest owl in the world, but you wanted to make me happy with it, because it made you think of me and made you happy, and we share happiness, and it’s fun.

There’s a lot of happy going around today.  I kinda hope it hangs around.  Dunno if it will, but I’d like it if it did.

See, the only reason I can think of why it wouldn’t hang around is because of tonight.  Bryan and I have a date tonight.  Generally, this means one thing:  we sit in his bedroom and talk about the relationship.  I want to say it’s an improvement, but it’s not.  See, before what would happen is we would either watch a movie (bad for relationship; good for my own sanity), snuggle (way to catch up on sleep!), or he’d sit at his computer and I’d find something do to.  I know, I know, terrible dates.  Bryan and I both kinda-sorta romantic, and we’re both terrible hosts.  We do better in neutral places.  Like restaurants.  We did great in Marg’s Wednesday night.  But we full out started screaming at each other before work yesterday.  As soon as the doors opened, we behaved.  I’m a big enough person that I try not to let my personal life ever get in the way of work, and Bryan’s getting better at it.  Still.  We’re unstable.  He feels like he’s the only one doing any work in the relationship.

Lemme tell you about yesterday morning’s fight.  The issue was this:  I was going to hang out with Sammy for a few hours after work, and Bryan was upset because he feels like I keep pushing him aside.  This comment frustrated me tremendously because I spent almost all my free time with him last week.  And I spent three hours with Sammy last night.  He followed up with; “you only seem to spend time with me when you have to, not when you want to, and you’re willing to make time for other people, not for me.”  The only way I can answer that is:  I feel like I have to spend time with him, or I get scolded for not spending time with him, so the time I spend with  him feels like work.  And I don’t enjoy it.  If he’d just stop demanding all my time, I’d start spending time when I want to, not when he wants me to, and it will be better.  As for the make time for other people- geez, that’s not too hard, since I spend a couple hours with one other person than him maybe once every other week?  Easy to plan around.  And Bryan?  He doesn’t plan ahead.  His thing is:  I’m free, I’m going to hang out with you now.  It’s easy for me to make time for other people because it’s planned usually a couple days in advance.  That was I can work around losing that time.

I’ve tried to tell him these things, but he just doesn’t seem to understand them.  We’re such different people.  He needs very different things than me.  I agree that more quality time will reduce his feeling of needing more time period, but it’s not going to be quality time if I’m informed we’re spending time together instead of being allowed an opinion in it.  I can’t be honest with him when I need my own space, or when I have a lot of work to do, because he takes it personally.  It’s a very frustrating situation.  And I can’t tell if he doesn’t believe me, or doesn’t care, or just plain doesn’t realise how much work he is to me, and that I do try to be good, but this is such a bad match.  People don’t usually see it on the outside, but it’s true.  We do little but fight when other people aren’t around.

I have no choice but to work it out and live with it all.  I dunno.  I’m just unhappy about that.  I’m trying, I really am, but I feel like he tries a little, then stops trying because it’s too hard, or he decides it not fair than I can get what I want and he can’t get everything he wants.  I dunno.  Wish I did.  I’m so frustrated with it.  He’s more than happy to give me material things, and like I said earlier, that’s nice.  But the thought behind them is more important.  And I’d rather have him take a little less, give a little more, that I would like to see Come Fly Away.  Don’t get me wrong- I’m crazy excited, but there are some things in life that are more important.

And I’m still convinced I’m going to get shanked in New York.

Well.  We’ll see how tonight goes.  I don’t know what I’m going to do with myself for the next three hours.  I finished all the work I needed to already this morning.  Ah, sweet boredom, how I appreciate your presence.

That’s What Friends are For!

“Many people will walk in and out of your life, but only true friends will leave footprints in your heart.” ~ Elanor Roosevelt.

Let’s talk about all the best parts about friends.  Friends are tricky creatures.  They take a little piece of your heart with them whether you want them to or not.  I mean, I fully believe that everyone you meet shapes you just a little bit (if not more) but you also have to give a little piece of yourself to them, too.  I think that may be one of the reasons why I’m more inclined to have a few good friends than a lot of not-so-friendish friends.

This is what I love about my friends:

• Sammy came to hang out with me today even though she’s feeling down.
• Sean is willing to listen to anything and everything without a single complaint.
• Sammy always thinks of me in the little things.  Like, I have two nail-polish covered rocks sitting on one of the footstools in my room.  What am I going to do with them?  God knows!  But I love them, because she thought of me and put so much time in them.  The little one’s name is Steve.  Steve made my day last Tuesday.
• Angela was always there to hit me over the head when I was being dumb.  Did I listen to her?  No.  But she was always there.
• David is always there to take a walk when I want to clear my mind.  He’s the only person I know that silence isn’t awkward with.  In fact, I dreadfully miss walks with him, because it was always brilliant just getting lost in the darkness, walking down the endless Fillmore roads.
• Jon used to give the best hugs in the world.  He’s so much bigger than me, warm, and there was always love in his hugs.
• I can pick up right where I left off with Jon every time I see him.  We’re older, different, but nothing really changes between us.
• About all of them?  I can be me around them.  No masks.  I trust them.  Which terrifies me, but it’s the truth.

These things are just the beginning.  There’s so much to these people around me.  These are the things that come into my head in five minutes.  They’re all beautiful people and I am utterly blessed that they are willing to share their lives with me.

I’m feeling sentimental.  I tell my friends I love them because I mean it.  I love them to pieces, because they’re like brothers and sisters to me.  I don’t know if they love me love, but I would take a bullet in the head for any one of them.  Because I’d rather die for them than live knowing I could have stopped it.  And I am eternally grateful for the happiness they make me feel.  It’s a rare gift.  People generally would prefer to make each other miserable.

Yet another reason why my friends are so great.

And your Bird Can Sing

“What is a friend?  A single soul dwelling in two bodies.” ~ Aristotle.

Good morning, great big beautiful world!  I woke up with the sun blaring in my face this morning, something that would make most people grimace, roll over, and shut the curtain, but not me!  … I actually threw my comforter over my head and went back to sleep… but I didn’t close the curtain or grimace or anything or the sort.  I believe my first thought was:  “Oh, it’s sunny out.  Someone at work told me it was supposed to rain.  So much for that.”  I’m such a chipper morning person.  I’m pretty sure the rest of the civilised world hates me for that.  I would have you know that the curtain is still open, the sun is still shining in my face, and I’m okay with that.  I did shut my window though.  Not because it was cold, but because there was this ruddy bird outside making an incredibly loud clicking noise.  I listened patiently for about three hours, I really did, but it didn’t stop and it’s singing didn’t improve (or rhythm change, for that matter) so I was forced to take drastic measures.

I love the peacefulness of mornings.  I think I’m a morning person out of necessity.  You see, even when they’re up early, my parents aren’t up until 8am or 9am.  If I get up at 6am, that gives me a minimum of two hours of solitude and bliss.  At night, my dad is sometimes awake until 2am, watching television really loud.  That gives me a headache, and makes me irritable.  So mornings are really the times for me.  They’re times when I can sit by myself, without interruption, and think to myself about the world, or get some writing done.  This morning isn’t all that peaceful, because my father is up, but usually… usually they’re great.

Sammy mentioned something in her blog entry that I absolutely need to concur with, and that is… I really miss Sean.  And I don’t really know why.  Sean is a conundrum to me.  I’ve always liked him as a human being, I wasn’t really friends with him until… two weeks ago?  Or so?  I mean, I considered him a friend, but I never talked to him.  I don’t know why.  I just didn’t.  And then I talked to him until 4am.  And then the next day I stayed up talking all night to him.  I don’t know why.  I just didn’t want to stop talking.  And he didn’t tell me to, even though I told him if at any time he wanted to go to sleep, it was okay.  God knows, I would’ve fallen asleep!  For some reason I trust him.  And I just don’t trust… people.  The fact that I do feel the need to tell him things makes me uneasy.  And sometimes, of course, he makes me mad, because he’s incredibly cocky.  He knows he’s cocky, of course, and sees it as a non-issue.  I feel like sitting down and making him watch Camelot (the musical, starring Richard Harris), and every time Lancelot appears on screen, jumping up and flailing and saying, “See!  See! That’s you!” because Lancelot is practically perfect in every way except he’s so damn full of himself!  But I digress.

I miss him, because he’s someone I enjoy talking to, and knowing that I can talk to him kind of makes me happy.  Since I’ve come back from New York, I’ve had issues making friends.  Yeah, sure, there are people but they’re not really friends.  There are too many things about a lot of the people I know to keep me from wanting to get close to them.  Intense alcoholism being one of them (I don’t care what they say; it’s still alcoholism in college).  An overprotective, jealous boyfriend being the other.  I’ve never been one to have a huge group of friends (I’d rather have a few good friends than a bunch of superficial jerks) but I find I’m in an awkward position here.  I don’t drink… which pretty much kicks me outta the college community.  So much for finding a lot of good friends there.  And then, I like a lot of the high-schoolers I work with, but I’m between three and six years older than them.  If we all were fifty, that would be a non-issue, but I’m twenty and some of them are fourteen.  It makes parents uneasy.  So I get to float in this sort of awkward realm.  I still have friends from high school (sure, we see each other once a year at Christmastime) and New York (I talk to Vil a lot, but all the rest just kind of pop up when it’s convenient.  I don’t love them any less for it, but it makes me sad.  I miss them… but with a lot of them, the ball isn’t in my court.  And the ones who want to talk to me are usually the high-maintenance ones who bring me down.  I still love them… but they make me hate life and that’s not cool.

Nonetheless!  This is not supposed to be a pity-party-post!  I am in a grand mood this morning, despite the fact that I have to go to work.  As few as they are, I love my friends, every single one of them.  I care about them like siblings.  Having so few people I really adore and trust here makes me care all the more about the ones I have.  I think that may be why I miss Sean so much.  But Eric says he’s coming back on … … today, I actually think!  That makes me happy.

And I am wearing a new necklace today.  It’s handcrafted silver and malachite, metalwork that I couldn’t begin to do.  It’s lovely, and I paid too much for it, but I think it was worth it.  It’s very pretty and it makes me happy.