Time for a Gibbs-Slap

While I can’t call myself an NCIS-fanatic, I do indulge in the television series.  Yes, I know.  I’m three seasons behind.  Yes, I have seen episodes of LA and I don’t think they’re as good.  My favourite characters are Abby and McGee, but if it weren’t for Ducky, I don’t think I could stomach the show.  His sense of humour keeps autopsy from being nauseating for a girl who still occasionally checks and makes sure zombies aren’t under her bed.

I have to agree with Everyone Else, though.  Without Gibbs, NCIS just wouldn’t be the same (and isn’t, thanks for proving our point, LA).  Gibbs is a great leader, and he always goes with his gut.  To Tony, Xiva, McGee, and Abby, he’s a definite father figure.  And when one of his children has (or is about to) go astray, he knocks some sense into them.  Literally.  So, here I am.  I bow my head down to the great master, because I deserve a Gibbs-slap.

Lately, I have been selfish.  I complain about my weight (yesyesIknowI’mnotfat… I’m just fatter than I wish I was) and how many hours I’m working (honey, a couple months ago you’d’ve killed for 40-hours/week) and my family (…at least they love me?) and my boyfriend (I know he loves me) and my friends (okay, only a couple of them).  I told myself I was going to be better.  That I was going to look at the little things and be appreciative.  And I haven’t been.

A couple days ago, my friend Matt bought me one of those Oreo-Milkshake-Things that they have at Wendy’s.  He didn’t flounce up to me and say “HEY!  I bought you ice cream!”  I found it sitting on my desk, frosty and chocolaty.  I knew right away it was Matt, because he’s the only one who knows I like those, and he’s at Wendy’s all the time.  But when I noticed the shake (it took me a while… I had been running around) he was already working with a customer and by the time I was able to thank him, I drank half of it.

For my job, I have to smile.  Even if something isn’t funny, even if I freaking-hate-your-guts.  But when I saw the shake, I looked at him, and smiled for real.  It was just a random act of kindness, and it meant a lot to me.  When I was able to thank him, he simply smiled and said “I thought you would like it,” and kept going.  I’ve been thinking about it ever sense, because even though it may have been a little thing to him, it was a big thing to me.

I wanted to share that, because I read this post on Freshly Pressed and I wanted to emphasise how important random acts of kindness are.  The more I think about what Matt did, the more I realise how quickly I let myself fall back into the sinking sand, and how I need to stop being selfish (which honestly is one of my greatest pet peeves in people) and start being more selfless.

I think that the last selfless thing I did was buy Reeses just to give them away to two people I work with, just because.  And that wasn’t very selfless.  It was more… “You are having a bad day.  Would you like a Reese?  Okay, here.”  Pretty pathetic, but I am going to do better.  IamIamIam.

What was the last random act of kindness you performed?  When you find yourself slipping into selfishness, what is the Gibbs-slap that wakes you up to reality?

Oh, and by the way, y’all are welcome to give me a good virtual Gibbs-slap.

Secrets

“The best way to keep a secret?  Keep it to yourself.  Second best?  Tell one other person – if you must.  There is no third best.” ~ Rule #4; Leroy Jethro Gibbs, NCIS.

Everybody has secrets.  Some people have little secrets.  Some people have big secrets.  Some secrets are fun, and others are devastating.  Sometimes, we don’t tell secrets because we’re afraid to be discovered, or because we don’t want to hurt anybody.  Other times, we don’t tell our secrets because they are better if left until a certain time.  One way or another, there isn’t a single person in the world who doesn’t have a secret.

There is a point in the life of every secret when it needs to come out.  Even if only to one person (and if we are to believe Gibbs, one is more than enough).  Secrets live inside of us.  They torment us.  The good ones nag, begging to come out and share the excitement.  The bad ones tell us negatives about ourselves time and time again until we start to believe them.  Believe that we can never love because we had a perfect person and let them slip away.  Believe that we don’t deserve to live, because we are careless and keep hurting other people; because we let someone else die.  Believe that we are selfish because we keep inconveniencing people, even accidentally.  These bad secrets are not healthy to keep to ourselves.

Lying is creating a bad secret.  It’s a double whammy.  Number one:  you’re hiding the truth from someone, keeping it secret.  Number two:  you’ve created a new secret:  that thing you just said was a lie.  It doesn’t matter if it was a whopper of a lie or a little white lie:  eventually, they all weigh on our conscience.  We begin to identify ourselves by the lies, crafting ourselves into liars.  Good liars keep the story straight, bad lairs say whatever they need to in order to divert the truth.  Why?  Lying is a defense mechanism.  We are trying to hide ourselves.  The people we don’t feel the need to lie to are those we find non-threatening.  That’s why people so often lie to their family and friends while the need to lie to a perfect stranger is less so:  our families and friends have a power over us that keeps us in fear of them learning too much, learning what they aren’t supposed to know.  Family and friends judge us (even if unintentionally) every single day.  If they could see us – raw, vulnerable – then what would we do?  But a perfect stranger?  We’ll never see them again, most likely.

The internet phenomenon PostSecret has given so many people a release.  Anonymously, people are able to release their secrets and lift a small amount of the burden off their shoulders.  Most of those people probably still  lie to the people around them about their secret, but knowing that someone out there knows the truth… that helps.  That’s why PostSecret is so popular.  I’ve never sent a postcard to PostSecret.  I’ve never created my “secret postcard” or what have you.  I have friends who  have released little secrets and created images on MS Paint to go with them, but I don’t even know anyone who has mailed PostSecret.  All I know is that it’s caused a change in the world.  Millions of people log on to see the secrets.  Millions of people send in Secrets.  There are books now, compilations of people’s secrets.  It’s exciting, relieving, interesting to see your secret posted online or in a book, regardless of whether or not you sent the postcard.

There’s something wonderful about knowing that you are not alone.

The next step is letting the secret go.  Having a confidant that you can trust.  I know I, personally, don’t have one of those, but I’m trying to learn.  I’m not trying to preach here- I can tell you honestly that I am a world-class liar and a hypocrite… but I’m trying to learn and improve.  I have, as of late, seen lies and secrets alike tear apart people because they can’t tell the truth.  Some days, I’m one of those people.  I’m sure everyone is, on one day or another.  Because we can’t tell the secret; we don’t know how, or we don’t know who.  So we bottle it up inside and it destroys us.

.

In the News Today: Is it terrible that I keep hearing about the oil spill in the Gulf and instead of going Eco!Friendly, I immediately dread future gas prices?  … Trying to do my part by suggesting people not take plastic bags at work!  …  Not that it will help any, but my heart’s in the right place, sort of.  Had a customer yesterday mention that there is so much plastic around us.  It’s so true!  If we could cut down on plastic and start using woods and metals again, that would save so much petro!

.

Health Report: I ate breakfast this morning like a good girl:  scrambled eggs with cheese and a slice of toast.  Nothing since, and every time I’ve felt hungry, I’ve been drinking water.  I remember reading somewhere once that half the time when people eat, they’re not hungry, they’re thirsty.  I know we’re supposed to drink, what?  Eight glasses of water a day?  I definitely don’t drink that much.  So.  Trying to drink more, eat less.  The scale is still a solid 140lb, though.  I should probably stop obsessively weighing myself every day, since I know I won’t see a change overnight.  I’m thinking a Buffalo Chicken sandwich from Subway tonight.  Probably not the healthiest thing in the world, but I’m also trying to keep in mind that I need to intake 2000 calories to live.

.

Social Life: No plans this week, which is actually a relief.  I have a performance with the ActingOut kids this afternoon for Vision 20/20, which is this thing where a bunch of people in my county are getting together and trying to innovate changes to have a healthier community by the year 2020.  That’ll be good, I hope. Sometimes the kids make me smile. Other times, they make me want to cry.

.

Schoolhouse Rock: Grades are in.  I’m sitting on two As, one AB, and a B.  That puts my GPA at about 3.62, about the same as last semester.  Thank goodness.  I couldn’t bear to have it go down.  I know, people say they don’t understand my obsession with grades.  Part of it is competitive.  The other part is me freaking out about financial aid.  I’m not ungrateful, honest to goodness, but there’s always room for improvement.

.

Random Squee: I exchanged my Mario Party 8 game yesterday and the new one works – yeehaw!  I’m still incredibly bad at it, but it’s fun.

Happy Meal!

“Somebody needs a happy meal.” ~ Abby Sciuto to Jethro Gibbs, NCIS S4 Ep. 16.

Some days are nice, and they usually end up being nice on accident.  Today, I woke up positively miffed because of the snow.   Then the day went forward, snow turned to rain, and eventually I had a hot chocolate and stopped noticing.  I gave Justin a ride to a meeting, spent some time with Sammy, and Bryan was wonderful through the whole thing.  Again, I’m proud of him.  He’s doing so well.  Really, it means a lot to me.

WordPress has this nifty feature that gives me my blog stats.  How many people have viewed it, and which pages, from where, et cetera.  On average I get like… four views a day.  It doesn’t count me, either.  It senses I’m logged on and it neutralizes the visit.  So that’s kind of fun.  Makes me feel like there’s someone out there, maybe just trolls, but still… someone.  Sammy’s the only one so far I’ve given the link to.  I haven’t decided who else I trust yet.  Not that I don’t trust people, it’s just… I have a difficult time bearing my soul to other people.  I don’t know why.  I think part of it was because I had a friend flip out at me in high school for being selfish and not caring about others enough and I was making my trivialities bigger than other peoples’ real-life issues.  I’ve tried to forget what she said, but I never could… and every since I’ve been hesitant to open up to people.  I’m sure there’s probably more to it than just her, though.

So I’m sitting here tonight, pretty much at peace.  My back hurts a little (from the way I’m sitting) and Bryan and I are having a mature conversation that isn’t about our relationship.  I’m having a good night.  I think I’m going to shut down, watch some NCIS, and just be happy.