Posts Tagged 'Life'

Beauty is the the Eye of the Beholder

Autumn just past the NY-VT border.

I am doing a Photo-of-the-Day project that I started mid-May. Some days, I’m lazy, and just snap a shot to be sure I have something.  Other days, I look for something artful.  Today, I was driving home and I noticed the rays of the sun absolutely bleeding down between the clouds.  It was almost supernatural.  I pulled into the first parking lot I found and pulled out my camera, thinking I found a prize.  When I looked at the playback of the picture, the rays weren’t visible at all; just a plain old sky.  I’ve come across this frustration a lot – as an artist, a writer, and as an actress.

The world around us is a fantastic and wonderful place.  Every day is different, and no person can be completely recreated.  The things that we see and original in every sense, and sometimes, even humans, the top-of-the-food-chain-we-are-powerful-hear-us-roar, we can’t reproduce that.

I hope that I never find the day when I’ve forgotten the sound of children’s laughter, the smell of springtime, the taste of strawberries, the feel of an autumn wind, and the sight of a sunset.  There are some things in the world that cannot be replaced, recreated, or forgotten.


Apologies, Friends…

Ginger Kitty

First and foremost, I want to apologise.

Why?  Well, to start, I changed the layout again.  I’m trying to find something I’m comfortable with.  This is a step up (for me) from the last layout.  On the bright side, it doesn’t require a home page!

Second reason for the apology?  These blog entries lately have been brief and dull.  I’ll work on it.  I went to see Knight and Day today, maybe I will post on that a little tomorrow.

Now?  Now I am going to go test WiiFit Plus.  It is the closest emblance of exercise I have, and I’ve been sitting on my butt all day.  More tomorrow. … I promise.

In way of apology, I have posted a cute kitty to distract you in this entry.  Her name is Ginger, and she loves the camera.

Terror Tuesday

Every once in a rare while I come across a day that depresses me to the core.  One of the days that makes me feel like I’d rather be burrowed inside myself in a small, safe room with only one window looking out into a forest with no human contact.  These are days that – despite their glimpses of humanity – so rotten to the core that flakes have fallen off my soul and disintegrating into the past.

Today was one such day.

On days like these, I will be too lazy/depressed to bother with any sort of formatting.  Inspirational quotations seem mocking and therefore I will not post them.  Photos are too cheerful, and will not compliment any posts.

But yet, despite all these offsets, I will often still write, because it is my natural inclination to pour my soul on a page and to let the ink (or, in this case, pixels) seep into the pure whiteness and taint it.  What I do write will be full of images, but a tad overdramatic.  My censors fall down because I am in a state of not caring.  Sometimes, on these days, I will write about the reasons of my unhappiness.  Other times I will simply write about the feeling of depression.  I often feel like my emotions are either unwarranted or else will not be understood by anyone else, and therefore I will be looked down upon to share their source.

In brief, I have dubbed today “Terror Tuesday” due to the collection of mishaps and frustrations that have tumbled into my lap one right after the other.  For the flood of tears I have held back between the gray walls in my irises.  One snowflake is not alarming, but when many snowflakes fall all at once from the sky and trample the world, they are a blizzard, and everyone fears.  In the same way, a small hurt, a single frustration, can be healed with a small matter of time.  But when these things come in hoards, fighting and slashing until a human looks more like a pile of dog chow, then a small amount of self-pity is warranted, as long as it doesn’t interfere with anyone else’s lives, which I have strived today to be sure of.  But in is 10:30pm, and this is the end of Terror Tuesday.

Tomorrow, I pray, will have signs of improvement.

Look at me, I’m Sandra Dee.

Jeannie, Lily, Caitlyn, Myself, and Jon helfway up Mount Monadnock.

“A friend is someone who lets you have total freedom to be yourself.” ~ Jim Morrison.

Quick stylistic note:  I am going to try now to separate my “Photo of the Day” from a normal blog entry.  Just because I like to have relevant photos, I think, to the blog posts.  As awesome as the picture with my brother organising cards was, it wasn’t very relevant to cooking-baking.

Anyways.  Since the title of this blog entry (“Look at me, I’m Sandra Dee”) seems a bit peculiar and definitely flat out of a musical, I feel the need to justify it.  Yes, I know, one of Gibbs’ rules is “never explain yourself” but I’m going to anyway.  After all, Gibbs is unfortunately, in the end, just a fictional character.

The song in the musical makes pretty clear that Sandy, the main character is a Goody Two Shoes and that the other girls (or, at least, Rizzo) think she’s a little snobbish and “too clean”.  What’s sad?  If you look through the lyrics, the things that are mentioned are:  smoking, drinking, having sex/sleeping around, and swearing.  Rizzo disapproves of Sandy not doing these things.  First:  what a terrible image to send to youth!  Second, I’m pretty much like that.

I’m not going to lie, I’ve had my indescretions, but in general?  I don’t smoke, and the smell of tobacco smoke and marijuana smoke, et cetera makes me feel ill.  I don’t drink because 1.) I don’t like any alcohol I’ve ever tasted; 2.) the smell makes me nauseated; and 3.) I cannot in any way, shape, or form justify drinking.  I’m really bad about that, and as a college student, that pretty much screws me over.  I will tolerate drinking, I will be your designated driver, and I will cut you off, but being around people drinking just isn’t fun from me and I feel peer pressured- general, all-around unhappy.  I hate drinking, period.  I can keep going, but do I have to?

It definitely makes me look like a snob, and no fun (though every once and a while someone tells me I’m a lot of fun, and I just don’t understand).  Many of the people my age require a tolerance (and prefer an interest) in one of those four activities, and since I’m not keenly interested in any of them, I kind of shy away from people.  Why be friends with people who do things that you don’t like?  In the end, it’s akin to making friends with a bunch of people on the robotics team, even though you hate things like engineering and problem solving.  Only they’re more controversial topics, so people get more offended when you disapprove of drinking, smoking, swearing, and sleeping around.

I’m not trying to sound preachy.  I think it may sound that way, but I’m not trying to be.  I’m just exploring the reasons why I have difficulty making friends, and why the people I have made friends with (and want to see outside of their environments) as of late are four, six y ears younger than me.  A lot of them have the same values in these areas that I do.  Some of them, granted, I like and all, but I can never completely and thoroughly trust because I know they drink and smoke, and I don’t know why, that just bars me from respecting them fully (unfair to them, I know).  Most of the people I’ve been trying to befriend are like me, but if nothing else, they’re underage, and can’t legally be doing any of the things that worry me.  Unfortunately, my age worries a lot of their parents and I understand that and I curse my generation (or, you know, just plain old college students) for creating a reputation of uncleanliness, illegal activity, and general mayhem.

This is why at first, I missed Houghton.  It was a dry campus, it was mostly safe.  Of course, I was more naive then, and now I know that there are parties there same as any other college.  I’m just looking for a safe place with safe friends, and when I don’t see someone that fits my needs, I bar myself in and let myself be anti-social.  One of the many reasons I am anti-social, at any rate.

It’s Ashley’s birthday today and hopefully it will be good.  I had a lot of fun the last time I saw these girls, the ones I went to high school (middle school, in Caitlyn’s case!) with.  We’ll see what today holds.  I have no plans, just cake.

The End of a Very Long Day.

Tiny white flowers outside my house.

May 14, 2010; Chesterfield, NH: Tiny white flowers near the foot of my stairs. Taken at about 8:30pm, just after sunset.


No update today. Just the photo. Will update better tomorrow.  It’s been a long day of driving and sorting, emotionally trying, and I have a long day of work ahead of me.

Carpe Diem

Sam playing pool in my basement, April 30, 2010.

“Open the gates and seize the day.  Don’t be afraid and don’t delay.” ~ David Moscow in Newsies.

Yesterday was quite a day.  I spent a little time with a friend at the end of a long, tiring, sun burnt day (and was glad I did) and so made up this poster about her current state of mind- things that she was going to do to make herself happy, things that are really bothering her, things that annoy her, lyrics that describe her feelings; things like that.  The one that really caught my eye was “things I’ve lied about recently”.  See, she and I have a lot of things in common.  One of those things is that we’re really good (and compulsive) liars.  Lately, I’ve been trying not to lie.  My lies (as of late) have been lies of omission.  Things that I feel like I should tell someone, but don’t, or can’t (for some reason; usually because I’m afraid to).  I mean, just plain-up not-telling-the-truth is a lie, right?

So, after she went back inside her house, I took a deep breath, and went and found Bryan.  Bryan and I have been working really hard to improve our relationship and find ourselves in it again.  No.  Scratch that.  Bryan’s been working really hard.  I’ve been sitting and waiting.  He hasn’t asked a lot of me, but the least I could do is be honest with him.  And I haven’t been.  So I met him at the college and we walked around downtown.  From Keene State to Cheshire Homes to the Colony Mill back to Subway and the Central Square.  It was peaceful, the temperature was just right, and I was honest with him.  As honest as I could be.  I mean… it’s really hard to explain to your boyfriend of three years that not only do you bond better with people of the opposite gender (he knew that already) but you often develop crushes on them and become overprotective of them.  That you step outside your relationship and assess what a relationship would be like with them.  Goodness knows I’ve done it so many times since I’ve been dating Bryan.  With Isaac.  With Ian.  With David (although, to my credit, David initiated that train of thought, and it lingered in my brain for a while).  With Sean.  Sean has been the worst.  David could have been the worst, but he was in a relationship with I knew him.  He’s getting married to that same woman now, next summer.  I’m really happy for him.  But it’s been different with Sean lately.

I told Bryan this.  Since I told Bryan this, it doesn’t seem weird saying it anymore.  Sean is a really nice guy.  He’s got a great sense of humor, a million stories, and he definitely has one thing that Bryan hasn’t:  empathy.  But on the other hand, I still see that he likes to drink (a lot) and he has a huge circle of friends (I’m not a social person.  Me + computer = love), he’s an athlete (never much cared for the whole sweaty body-builder whatevs thing).  I don’t find him physically attractive (I also don’t find him physically unattractive.  In his case, it’s the hair.  His hair is really thin, not luscious.  Hair is a big thing for me).  But yet, whenever I’ve been with him lately, I feel uplifted, even if only in the smallest way.  And whenever I mention my relationship to Bryan with him, I feel like I come back to “why am I with him anyway?” and we find a whole new list of incompatibilities.  It’s interesting, to say the least.  I don’t know.  Maybe I’m just looking for them.

But you know what?  I told Bryan all that.  Every word.  And he didn’t get mad, he didn’t get jealous, he didn’t get upset.  He just walked beside me and trusted me in a way that he never has before.  That meant a lot to me, so very much, and I felt like this huge burden had been lifted.  Now Bryan knows, I feel silly about it all.  Bryan never said a word against me.  He didn’t cling.  He openly admitted that things like that… they’ve happened to him in the past too.  And like me, there was nothing concrete, there was nothing better in the potentiality of a relationship with the others.  And there’s no promise of a relationship at any rate, if things had been broken off.  It felt so good, having him confide that in me.  I feel, this morning, so much better (sans sun burn and impending final exam).

I think, through Sean and Sammy’s guidance (Sammy is totally my pep talk girl.  She tells me straight up when I’m being stupid, and I love it) and Bryan and I learning to trust each other again… I’m going to be okay.  I’m still terrified about my future (so close and daunting) and I’m still a little indifferent about the world at times (honestly think it might be springtime + stress, though.  I really, really hate springtime).  But today is Thursday.  It’s not a special day, but it’s a new day.  And I’m going to step up and be a big person, and well… carpe diem.  I’m going to seize the day.


Weather ReportWeather Report: It’s cool and raining again.  My sun-burnt shoulders are relieved.  Going to need to dig out a coat, though.  Maybe I’ll find my school id in one of the pockets.



Health ReportHealth Report: My stomach is growling.  My diet yesterday was terrible, and I’m still regretting it.  When I got home from work I had a whole can of tomato soup mixed with water, basil, cayenne, and mozzarella cheese.  Plus five slices of white bread smothered with I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter.  Pretty bad, right?  But that wasn’t the worst of it.  I later had a small serving of Spanish rice with mozzarella cheese.  Then a whole pint of Ben and Jerry’s Extreme Chocolate Brownie ice cream. … … And then (wait for it) a flat bread wrap from Subway with teriyaki chicken, Monterrey Jack cheese, some onions and a small amount of sweet onions sauce.  So yeah.  I feel fat.  Over the last two days, I have spent between six and eight hours walking, but I’m pretty sure that won’t cover the Ben and Jerry’s….


Words Worth Getting AtWords Worth Getting At: I wrote a Flash Fic yesterday, but then the internet went down, so I posted it this morning.  The words were crap yesterday.  And I was watching NCIS simultaneously, so it’s definitely not my best work.  You can kind of see where NCIS inspired it, though.  It’s Inspection Day.  …  I’ve also been working on a “book of cheat sheets,” I’m calling it.  Mini-character sketches with the most basic of information.  Got Daniel, Harley, and Riley done so far.  I may do some more soon-ish.  I want to get bits and pieces of the world in there too, if I can.  Just a quick reference guide that’s a little lighter and more mobile than the binder I’ve got my 20-page character sketches shoved into now.


Social LifeSocial Life: I think I’ve been pretty busy this week!  Sean on Tuesday, then both Sammy and Bryan yesterday (w00t for spontaneous hang out time!) and then I’m getting up crazy early tomorrow to meet Bryan for breakfast, because we want to go the the Swanzey Diner, because they’re yummy.  I’ve already got my heart set on stuffed french toast!


Schoolhouse RockSchoolhouse Rock: I have my last final today.  Almost officially done with my junior year of college.  Holy Number 2 Pencils, Batman… that’s kinda terrifying.

The Human as a Machine

Playing video games in a pizza parlour in Plymouth.

“I am not interested in power for power’s sake, but I’m interested in power that is moral, that is right and that is good.” ~ Martin Luther King Jr.

I live in the United States and I am fortunate. I’ve always had a home, enough food to survive, warmth in the winter, and clothing. I’ve had all my essentials and more.  I am aware of the state of living in places like Bangladesh and it is not my intention to belittle their suffering.  I only speak from my own experiences.  My experiences are from the point of view of someone living in the low class of a first world country, and I am certain that the experiences of others in a different country are much difference and most likely worse than mine.

I work in corporate retail.  Where doesn’t matter.  We’re doing a little “reorganising” in my department and I was harshly warned by my manager today that even a pen out of place would warrant a write-up.  Anyone not working for themselves knows that a write-up means trouble.  It could be as little as a stern talking to, to getting you fired.  One way or another, if they add up, you will get fired, and you won’t have a friendly reference.  I just cannot help but replay my manager’s warning in my head and feel how ridiculous it sounds.

We as humans are all different creatures.  At the most basic level, we can talk about right-brained and left-brained.  Organised and artistic.  What I hear beneath the words of the warning is that I am going to be “trained” to be efficient, in someone else’s opinion of the word.  I am a fairly organised person, so such rules will effect me far less than other people in my department.  Nonetheless, we are going to be “whipped into shape” or we are going to be without jobs.  Perhaps that sounds a little overdramatic.  But, at the same time, it wouldn’t surprise me if it was completely true.

I have a friend who is ambidextrous now because when she was in kindergarten, she was “whipped into shape” and taught to use her right hand.  And some things never change.

The people with the money and the power get to make the decisions, create the rules.  Yes.  We underlings to have a choice.  We can break away from the rules, get a different job… maybe.  Or, maybe we can go to unemployment, because no where is hiring.  We have a choice.  Adapt and survive, or live free and die.

Humans are machines to those who have the power, and power comes with money.  If you don’t have either, your opinion, values, beliefs… you self has no use.  Conform and survive.  Otherwise you (and I) are of no use.

Step back and think about it.  How does it make you feel that other people get to decide who and what you’re going to be?  You can work hard, so hard that every day, at the end of it all, you hardly have enough energy to swallow a mouthful of bread before collapsing for four hours before going back to work.  How does it make you feel that you can give your all to someone, and still it’s not enough?  That someone else wants to mold you into something they like better?

How does it feel to be a machine?


Weather ReportWeather Report: It’s as muggy as a rainforest.  One of my Facebook friends said “Welcome to the jungle” to me today in response to my status, and I can’t get that out of my head.  Humidity is so very jungle-like.  The temperature is a lot better today than yesterday, and that makes the humidity more bearable.  I just felt a cool breeze waft in through my window, so I think it’s going to cool down a bit out there.  Got down-poured on earlier.  I loved it for the first five minutes and suffered the last five minutes back to my car.  Some people, you just can’t make happy.


Health ReportHealth Report: I’ve only had one piece of gum and five Lindor Truffles to eat.  Finished off both of them, so they won’t be a temptation in the future.  I almost went to Rick’s to get a milkshake and stopped myself, which I’m glad I did now.  Looked in the cupboards and didn’t see anything exciting to eat, but I’m tired on my feet.  Feel like I’ve been running around non-stop for four days.  Good exercise, but it’s doing nothing for my stress management.  Especially because my associate review is coming up in a couple weeks.  If I’m stressed, I eat a lot, so I’m worried I’m going to put those five pounds back on.  It took way too long to take them off.


Financi-SmashFinanci-Smash:  I hit up Turn It Up! today, which is one of my favorite stores.  Scored eight movies (1776, Back to the Future Trilogy, Ned Kelly, Kate & Leopold, Jumanji, Master of Disguise, Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, Godzilla) and a Frank Sinatra cd.  Coulda kept going, but I cut myself off.  That’s the good news.  The bad news is that I’m now down $50.  That leaves me at $20 until Friday.  I need to work on my spending habits.  Should be making good money next week, and won’t go back to Turn It Up!  for a month or so, which is good.  No need to spend anything more this week anyway.


Social LifeSocial Life: Tomorrow with Sean.  God knows I need some cheering up.  Some stress relief, and Sean’s great for that.  He’s got no worries, no cares.  Then ActingOut tomorrow night.  Let’s hope it’s really stress relief.  I don’t need anymore stress.


something to think about

"You know, I don't know if you'll understand this or not, but sometimes, even when I'm feeling very low, I'll see some little thing that will somehow renew my faith. Something like that leaf, for instance - clinging to its tree despite wind and storm. You know, that makes me think that courage and tenacity are about the greatest values a man can have. Suddenly my old confidence is back and I know things aren't half as bad as I make them out to be. Suddenly I know that with the strength of his convictions a man can move mountains, and I can proceed with full confidence in the basic goodness of my fellow man. I know that now. I know it." ~ End of Act I in the musical You're a Good Man, Charlie Brown.

competing for the house cup

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