Posts Tagged 'Relationships'

Matchmaker

Heather and John at Hampton; July 8, 2007.

“Matchmaker, matchmaker, you know that I’m still very young… please… take your time?  Up to this minute I misunderstood that I could get stuck for good.” ~ Matchmaker, from the musical Fiddler on the Roof.

I have match-made once in my life that I can think of.  They were two of my friends from different worlds, one massively depressed, and the other a bubbling ray of sunshine.  She liked to help people.  He needed help.  I didn’t expect Andy and Vilmary to become a couple, but they did.  She met him by reading over my shoulder as I cruised Facebook during a college English course.  It was a bad plan.  See, they were really happy for a while, but it was all about sex.  Sexuality.  Sexualism.  Any other word I can stick “sex” into.  I used to want to scream at her for having somewhat lewd conversations with him on the phone and via webcam at three-in-the-freaking-morning while I was trying to sleep.

They are the reason I am hesitant to match-make my friends again.  See, they were really happy and there was a heck of a lot of unresolved sexual tension between them for a while, but now, anything I hear about them is raging red hate.  I hear from her how much of a soulless, heartless pain-in-the-ass he is.  I hear from him what a dumb, manipulative bitch she is.  I never hear anything positive.  I feel like I’ve created this monstrous relationship of negative energy that seeps out of the black lagoon and wants to eat my soul.

Okay, yeah, it may not be all my fault.  I mean, if he cared about living past the age of twenty-five, it would be okay.  If she didn’t decide to mess with his head and piss him off for fun every now and again, it would be okay.  And of course, I’m not psychic, and I couldn’t anticipate these things happening, but nonetheless… I still feel responsible.  Without me, these people would never have met.  And then there wouldn’t be so much hate and angst in their lives.

I have this thing about angst.  I really don’t like it.  It makes me grumpy.  Probably explained why CAPSLOCK!Harry and I don’t get on so well.

Relationships are so hard to determine.  Unless I can very clearly see that this person is no good, I don’t have anything negative to say.  Like Heather and John.  They practices?  Not my thing.  I didn’t much enjoy hearing about all their sexual encounters, and I felt that for a sophomore and senior in high school, they had a heck of a lot of sketchy ones.  But who am I to judge?  I let it be.  At any rate, they were happy.  And Heather?  She doesn’t do happy easily.  So seeing her smile instead of angsty and depressed was a good thing.  I could never have predicted that the relationship would end around three years with massive amounts of  cheating and neglect going on.  Bad stuff.  Bad times.  Big mess.  And that wasn’t my fault.  So I know that relationships go awry even without my help.  But that doesn’t keep me from being hesitant.

See, I love Bryan.  Really, I do.  I mean it when I say “love”.  I know I’m going to be with him, we’ve already begun (half-jokingly) planning our wedding and I have names for the children which he likes.  For anyone who is interested, there will be three children, two girls and a boy because I totally have control over that.  Angela Piper, Tristan Dorian, and Sonora Essylte.  I’ve got that covered.  But seriously, my own relationship is always rocky.  Sometimes I want to punch Bryan in the face just to get him to leave me alone (he can’t bug me if he’s unconscious, ja?).  I love him, but at the same time, I freaking wish he’d leave me alone.  But I know he’s crazy about me, and in the end, three years going in, that’s enough to work through the little things.  I have that much faith in myself, and I have seen him work hard to do the same (though, granted, I’ve had more than one person tell me I should have dumped him a long time ago, for various different reasons).  Our relationship is a little unhealthy and a little dysfunctional, but we shouldn’t believe all that cockamaymee bull crap about happily ever after being perfect and Prince Charming on a silver steed.  My relationship is dysfunctional and unhealthy but it’s also healthy and wonderful and we make a really great team when it matters.  I made the choice to be in that relationship.

I just don’t feel right helping other people with their choices.  I feel pushy.  And responsible.

Relationships can be a nightmare.  Or they can be amazing.  It’s really up to us in the end:  are we going to be selfish and make it all about ourselves?  Or is it going to be for the greater good?

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Health ReportHealth Report: I’ve eaten 1668 calories today and burned off 908.  That keeps me under my daily allotted – rock and roll!  I even included the ice cream sundae I haven’t eaten yet into that estimate, so I should be golden today.  Working copy center burns a lot of calories.  Making money and burning calories for the win!

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Random SqueeRandom Squee: One of my improv students posted this amazing, rocking video from YouTube on his Facebook profile and it makes me giggle.  I’ve watched it twice.

Relationship Rant, Part II

I recently posted a piece written by a friend of mine a few years ago regarding the male approach to a relationship.  Lately, I have been watching an… interaction, for the want of a better word, between a couple acquaintances of mine, and I feel the need to address the other side of a relationship, the gender that Shane didn’t cover:  the all elusive female, and their personal relations to the male.

First of all, I would like to state that these things are my opinions and observations.  Someone else’s view may be entirely different than mine.  Everyone is an individual and this is not an all-seeing guide to the universe.

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The gender roles are changing and more and more, girls are asking guys out, instead of the all-traditional, sit-around-and-hope-he-gets-a-clue method.  This is a terrifying new world for us women, it’s certainly empowering (no more of that “get in the kitchen and make me a sammich, woman!” bull).  But like it or not, we still don’t understand.  Or, at least, we don’t understand them nearly as well as we like to think we do.  And we’re content to be coy and tease.  Girls, believe it or not… that breaks hearts.  A little bit of advice to my gender.

  1. Be honest with him.  If you can’t tell him the truth, you shouldn’t be dating him.  And yes, that includes telling him that he’s not your type (cliched, don’t use that).  Don’t ever, ever tell a guy that you want to go out with him sometimes when you don’t.  Rejection is preferable to tease and rejection.  After all, how would you feel if you found out someone agreed to date you because they either felt bad for you or were too nice to say no?  …  Feel that self-esteem slipping yet?
  2. Don’t cheat.  Really.  Just because you think he may have done it first doesn’t give you the right to do it too.  Be the big person, dump his ass, and get on with your life.
  3. Don’t go after someone else’s boyfriend.  Ever.  Don’t even think about it.  Really, nobody likes the Devil in a Red Dress.  The DinRD (Devil in a Red Dress) gets a reputation, and most girlfriends will dump their boyfriend if they see someone associating with her too often.  Don’t be that housewrecker.  Keep your dignity and morality.  Why?  Two reasons.  One, he’s not the last man on earth, for Christ’s sake, you’ll find someone else.  Two?  If you really cared about him and could see he was happy as he was, then you wouldn’t be trying to destroy his happiness for a selfish pursuit.
  4. Flirting on purpose with other people in front of your significant other?  Not cool.  Invoking jealousy is always a bad idea.  May also lead you do fall into the DiaRD reputation.
  5. No means no.  This applies to rejections and break-ups.  I don’t care whose idea it was.  If he says “I’m just not that into you” chances are he’s not going to change his mind any time soon and you hanging like a lemur on his arm is going to drive him away, instead of pulling him forward.  If you were in a relationship and broke it off, that’s it.  You’re done, finished, got it?  You had your chance for snuggling and kisses and back massages.  You told him he “wasn’t your type”.  If you can’t take his vices, you don’t get the benefits either.  Failure to adhere to this rule leads to the position of becoming a DiaRD.
  6. For the love of God, stop complaining about being fat.  Every single girl (myself included) needs to work on this one.  Honey, let me tell you something.  If he thinks you’re fat, he’ll tell you.  If he breaks up with you because you’re fat, he’s not worth your time.  If you are fat and he doesn’t say anything about it, he likes fat women, embrace it.  If he says you’re not fat, he means it.  If he compliments how good you look and you say you’re fat, you’ll never get a compliment again.  So.  For goodness sake.  If you think you’re fat, get off the computer, run a couple miles, and stop complaining to him about it.
  7. Men are not all masochistic beasts.  If all the ones you’ve ever met are, that’s rather unfortunate for you.  However, most the ones I know are teddy bears, and they have hearts and souls, too (the men, not teddy bears) and they feel just as deeply as you do.  Walking all over them, cheating on them, and doing other emotionally destructive things actually do hurt them.
  8. People say chivalry is dead.  It’s not.  It’s gone underground.  If he likes to open the door for you, let him do it every once and a while.  He’s not opening the door because he thinks you’re incapable of doing it yourself.  He’s doing it because he respects you and he’s humbling himself to you in that way.  It’s a compliment.  Take it
  9. Show him that you trust him.  And no.  I’m not talking about sex or anything like that.  I mean don’t be afraid to tell him secrets (or the truth!  See #1) and don’t be afraid to let him hang out with other people when you’re not around, especially (gasp!) other girls.  How would you like it if he cut you off from all your male friends?  It’s not fair.
  10. Know what you’re getting into .  Don’t just hook up without doing your research.  Randomly meet this guy on vacation and decide to hook up with him even though you can’t pronounce his last name?  Probably not a good idea.  Long distance relationships will take more effort than close distance.  Some people need more love and attention than others.  Some people will need space.  Know the type of person you’re going to be getting into a relationship with before you do it.  It will save broken hearts.

Those are ten suggestions and observations.  I know there are more.  Feel free to comment and add your own two-cents!

Carpe Diem

Sam playing pool in my basement, April 30, 2010.

“Open the gates and seize the day.  Don’t be afraid and don’t delay.” ~ David Moscow in Newsies.

Yesterday was quite a day.  I spent a little time with a friend at the end of a long, tiring, sun burnt day (and was glad I did) and so made up this poster about her current state of mind- things that she was going to do to make herself happy, things that are really bothering her, things that annoy her, lyrics that describe her feelings; things like that.  The one that really caught my eye was “things I’ve lied about recently”.  See, she and I have a lot of things in common.  One of those things is that we’re really good (and compulsive) liars.  Lately, I’ve been trying not to lie.  My lies (as of late) have been lies of omission.  Things that I feel like I should tell someone, but don’t, or can’t (for some reason; usually because I’m afraid to).  I mean, just plain-up not-telling-the-truth is a lie, right?

So, after she went back inside her house, I took a deep breath, and went and found Bryan.  Bryan and I have been working really hard to improve our relationship and find ourselves in it again.  No.  Scratch that.  Bryan’s been working really hard.  I’ve been sitting and waiting.  He hasn’t asked a lot of me, but the least I could do is be honest with him.  And I haven’t been.  So I met him at the college and we walked around downtown.  From Keene State to Cheshire Homes to the Colony Mill back to Subway and the Central Square.  It was peaceful, the temperature was just right, and I was honest with him.  As honest as I could be.  I mean… it’s really hard to explain to your boyfriend of three years that not only do you bond better with people of the opposite gender (he knew that already) but you often develop crushes on them and become overprotective of them.  That you step outside your relationship and assess what a relationship would be like with them.  Goodness knows I’ve done it so many times since I’ve been dating Bryan.  With Isaac.  With Ian.  With David (although, to my credit, David initiated that train of thought, and it lingered in my brain for a while).  With Sean.  Sean has been the worst.  David could have been the worst, but he was in a relationship with I knew him.  He’s getting married to that same woman now, next summer.  I’m really happy for him.  But it’s been different with Sean lately.

I told Bryan this.  Since I told Bryan this, it doesn’t seem weird saying it anymore.  Sean is a really nice guy.  He’s got a great sense of humor, a million stories, and he definitely has one thing that Bryan hasn’t:  empathy.  But on the other hand, I still see that he likes to drink (a lot) and he has a huge circle of friends (I’m not a social person.  Me + computer = love), he’s an athlete (never much cared for the whole sweaty body-builder whatevs thing).  I don’t find him physically attractive (I also don’t find him physically unattractive.  In his case, it’s the hair.  His hair is really thin, not luscious.  Hair is a big thing for me).  But yet, whenever I’ve been with him lately, I feel uplifted, even if only in the smallest way.  And whenever I mention my relationship to Bryan with him, I feel like I come back to “why am I with him anyway?” and we find a whole new list of incompatibilities.  It’s interesting, to say the least.  I don’t know.  Maybe I’m just looking for them.

But you know what?  I told Bryan all that.  Every word.  And he didn’t get mad, he didn’t get jealous, he didn’t get upset.  He just walked beside me and trusted me in a way that he never has before.  That meant a lot to me, so very much, and I felt like this huge burden had been lifted.  Now Bryan knows, I feel silly about it all.  Bryan never said a word against me.  He didn’t cling.  He openly admitted that things like that… they’ve happened to him in the past too.  And like me, there was nothing concrete, there was nothing better in the potentiality of a relationship with the others.  And there’s no promise of a relationship at any rate, if things had been broken off.  It felt so good, having him confide that in me.  I feel, this morning, so much better (sans sun burn and impending final exam).

I think, through Sean and Sammy’s guidance (Sammy is totally my pep talk girl.  She tells me straight up when I’m being stupid, and I love it) and Bryan and I learning to trust each other again… I’m going to be okay.  I’m still terrified about my future (so close and daunting) and I’m still a little indifferent about the world at times (honestly think it might be springtime + stress, though.  I really, really hate springtime).  But today is Thursday.  It’s not a special day, but it’s a new day.  And I’m going to step up and be a big person, and well… carpe diem.  I’m going to seize the day.

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Weather ReportWeather Report: It’s cool and raining again.  My sun-burnt shoulders are relieved.  Going to need to dig out a coat, though.  Maybe I’ll find my school id in one of the pockets.

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Health ReportHealth Report: My stomach is growling.  My diet yesterday was terrible, and I’m still regretting it.  When I got home from work I had a whole can of tomato soup mixed with water, basil, cayenne, and mozzarella cheese.  Plus five slices of white bread smothered with I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter.  Pretty bad, right?  But that wasn’t the worst of it.  I later had a small serving of Spanish rice with mozzarella cheese.  Then a whole pint of Ben and Jerry’s Extreme Chocolate Brownie ice cream. … … And then (wait for it) a flat bread wrap from Subway with teriyaki chicken, Monterrey Jack cheese, some onions and a small amount of sweet onions sauce.  So yeah.  I feel fat.  Over the last two days, I have spent between six and eight hours walking, but I’m pretty sure that won’t cover the Ben and Jerry’s….

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Words Worth Getting AtWords Worth Getting At: I wrote a Flash Fic yesterday, but then the internet went down, so I posted it this morning.  The words were crap yesterday.  And I was watching NCIS simultaneously, so it’s definitely not my best work.  You can kind of see where NCIS inspired it, though.  It’s Inspection Day.  …  I’ve also been working on a “book of cheat sheets,” I’m calling it.  Mini-character sketches with the most basic of information.  Got Daniel, Harley, and Riley done so far.  I may do some more soon-ish.  I want to get bits and pieces of the world in there too, if I can.  Just a quick reference guide that’s a little lighter and more mobile than the binder I’ve got my 20-page character sketches shoved into now.

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Social LifeSocial Life: I think I’ve been pretty busy this week!  Sean on Tuesday, then both Sammy and Bryan yesterday (w00t for spontaneous hang out time!) and then I’m getting up crazy early tomorrow to meet Bryan for breakfast, because we want to go the the Swanzey Diner, because they’re yummy.  I’ve already got my heart set on stuffed french toast!

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Schoolhouse RockSchoolhouse Rock: I have my last final today.  Almost officially done with my junior year of college.  Holy Number 2 Pencils, Batman… that’s kinda terrifying.

Relationship Rant; Part I

A long time ago, and by “long time”, I mean three-four years ago, a friend/acquaintance of mine wrote the following note as a LiveJournal entry.  I’ve kept it, because I thought it was brilliant. I’m sharing it, because it seems like the right time of year to be relating it.

On that note, I want to make sure everyone realises that this isn’t my original work; it’s the work of Shane Carley, someone I went to high school with. Keep an eye out in the future for another one from my point of view… about the way girls handle things.

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Time for another relaaaaaaaaaationship raaaaaaaaaant!

Girls, it’s about time you realized that we guys are just stupid. We suck at starting relationships, and we suck at carrying on relationships (myself included). We like to think we have our little secrets, and even though we don’t, please, just humor us and pretend we do. And just to start out, I would like to point out that I have already disowned my gender. Good, now that’s out of the way, heh.

Infinitely more important (I think) than the actual relationship is the way a guy approaches it in the first place. A guy, when he meets a girl he thinks he would like to ask out, does not immediately approach her and do so (SECOND DISCLAIMER: This rant applies only to males who have an ounce of intelligence. Jocks and such, this is your cue to stop reading). We guys do our research.

Who are her friends? What do they say about her? What does she enjoy doing? At home? In her free time? What does she think of HERSELF? Can I carry on a conversation with her? And so on.

Of course, he will not openly ask these questions, and not all at once, for that would be quite obvious. In fact, we males like to keep our own interests secret. Our designs on members of the opposite sex are like war plans, kept carefully hidden away until the last minute, when they are sprung on the world all at once, and inevitably botched at every possible opportunity.

Often, the guy fancies that no one is able to guess his ‘war plans’. This is why it is best for a girl to have one or two close guy friends, because, like it or not, they can usually call this sort of thing quite easily. A guy can know like *that* when another guy has a crush on a girl. We just know, don’t ask us to explain it. The girl will often refuse to see it, but it’s up to the guy to make her, through the fine art of persuasion. Usually, the fact that the girl has friends egging her on is the FIRST thing that goes wrong with the guy’s ‘war plans’, as he was rather counting on her not to know. As soon as he finds out she knows, his cover is blown, so to speak, and he becomes very uncomfortable around the girl.

Still, the guy does not usually find out about this little mishap until he is well into many others.

I myself have been trying to study relationships from the girl’s point of view, and I have to say I’ve been shocked at some of the major strategy errors guys make. Looking at it from the guy’s point of view, they seem to be brilliant moves.

Looking at things from the girl’s point of view, however, a lot of the things guys do are so incredibly STUPID, that it makes a guy want to rip of his penis and cease to be one (NOTE: I took the road less traveled and simply disowned my gender, but some of my more testosterone ravaged friends might just choose this option without considering the consequences).

Number One: Subtle hints.

Guys, subtle hints are PATHETIC! All it manages to do is put off the girl and make her friends go crazy. Guys, take note. Every little thing you do in regards to a girl is under close scrutiny from her friends. If you want to keep your widdle crush a secwet, then you probably shouldn’t be making subtle, yet obvious advances. Things not to do: In school, don’t intentionally pair yourself off with her. If you use the internet, don’t track down her screenname. Don’t ask her friends about her. Don’t ask ANYONE about her. When you pass her in the hallway, smile and nod, no more. Anything more than what I have described here will result in the incessant ‘squee-ing’ of her friends, who will in turn make said girl feel very, very uncomfortable around you.

Number Two: Obvious advances.

Obvious advances are a slight improvement over subtle ones. At least obvious advances don’t leave the girl creeped out to be in your presence, and there’s no chance that they can be completely missed in the first place. However, there are still some pretty serious drawbacks. First of all, they tend to leave the girl confused as to the nature of your relationship with her. Guys, if you’re prepared to make obvious advances toward a member of the opposite sex, you’d damn well better be prepared to ask her out. Things not to do: Put your arm around her; it just makes you look like a jerk. Gaze longingly at her; it tends to just completely scare her, not to mention leave her confused. Make up pet names for her; it makes you seem desperate. Write poetry, songs, etc about her; it makes her think you’re going to ask her out soon, so if you do any of the above, you’d better, or risk leaving her confused about her own self worth, among other things. I’m not saying not to do these things, but I am saying that if you’re going to, you should probably be ready to ask her out or risk losing her.

Number Three: Spilling your guts.

It’s ok to talk to a girl. Personally, I feel that it is much easier to talk to a girl with a personal problem, no matter how distressed you are, because as long as a you have established a strong friendship with them, judgements are kept to a minimum (at least openly). I have a few close girl friends who I know I can talk to if I’m depressed for any reason. But still, these are my established friends, one of which I am dating and the other(s? Just one really, but still) I am quite close with. Point is, one I have asked out already and the other I would probably call my best friend. They both know exactly how I feel about them and the nature of the relationship is not in question. But when you open up to someone who it has become obvious you are romantically interested in, they become VERY confused, and understandably so. It shows just how close you have become, yet if you don’t ask them out, it tends to leave them hanging with a sense in unfulfillment and deep, deep confusion. It sucks, any way you look at it. I probably don’t need to do this, but What not to do: Don’t talk about problems at home. Don’t talk about depressing problems with friends. In fact, it’s probably best if you don’t appear depressing to her at all (I’d be fucked).

Number four: The actual asking out process.

This is where most guys really get screwed, and I’m afraid there is not much helpful advise I can offer except a very vehement DON’T USE THE INTERNET OR I ASSURE YOU YOU WILL NEVER HEAR THE END OF IT. Um, anyway. It is impossible for a guy to win in this area. First off, it seems ridiculous to most sensible guys to get down on bended knee with flowers and become sappiness incarnate over a high school relationship, so that option is pretty much right out. However, you can’t risk being to casual either, by which I mean that you have to at the very least let the girl know you care deeply about her. However, right there in the middle there is still no real alternative. Seriously, as a guy, what are you supposed to say? ‘Will you go out with me?’ That is by far the cheesiest and most useless line ever, and I could do a whole rant about it, but for the purposes of not losing you, I will not. In essence, there is no real right way for a guy to ask a girl out (but, as I found out, there is definitely a wrong way). So, let’s recap. What not to do: “Sarah, my love, I cannot bear to be without you for one more moment of my life. You must come with me, so we can express our profound love to the entire world!”, “So, uh, you wanna go out with me or what?”, “Sarah…I just want to know, will you go out with me?”, and most importantly of all, DON’T USE THE INTERNET. THE INTERNET IS NOT YOUR FRIEND.

Of course, if you can figure out that last step you’re golden. Well, actually, if you think that, you’re screwed. Once you’re actually together with said girl, you have a whole NEW plethora or issues for you to deal with.

However, that is a topic for another rant, another day.

Actually, it really isn’t, since as far as keeping relationships go, I have no idea, and don’t exactly consider myself very good at it. But you’d have to ask Sarah about that one.

But that’s not even the point. The point is that guys in general are completely oblivious to the various nuances of acquiring and maintaining a relationship, and it is only with patience and gentle coaxing that we can be maneuvered into a favorable position for a girl to deal with. In any case, we’ve certainly proven that we can’t do it on our own.

Sign me,

Shane Carley, Casual Observer and Notorious Commenter on Human Nature and the Various Oddities and Inconsistencies Contained Therein

All the Little Things….

Heather and Ashley fighting over the pinata at Caitlyn's Sweet 16.

“What I needed most was to love and to be loved, eager to be caught. Happily I wrapped those painful bonds around me; and sure enough, I would be lashed with the red-hot pokers of jealousy, by suspicions and fear, by burst of anger and quarrels.” ~ Saint Augustine.

Sean’s back and I couldn’t be happier.  Lets see if I stay happy.  Right now, I am.  And he remembered to get me my shell, which also makes me happy, and its going to go on a shelf with Steve (the stingray-rock) and Steve’s friend (the heart-shape rock)

I’m a sucker for tidbits and gidgets.  They’re no fun if you buy them for yourself, but when other people see you and say “HEY!  I was at the dollar store and I saw this terribly ugly thing and it reminded me of you because of this conversation we had once about this thing and that and then we ended up talking about owls and isn’t this the ugliest owl you’ve ever seen?  It’s for you!” … that?  That’s awesome.  And even if it’s the ugliest thing in the world, I will find a home for it.

DISCLAIMER:  don’t get me a lot of random little things, because I’m running out of space!  But they’ll still make me happy.  But only because it shows that you were thinking of me.  See, that’s the thing.  It may be the ugliest owl in the world, but you wanted to make me happy with it, because it made you think of me and made you happy, and we share happiness, and it’s fun.

There’s a lot of happy going around today.  I kinda hope it hangs around.  Dunno if it will, but I’d like it if it did.

See, the only reason I can think of why it wouldn’t hang around is because of tonight.  Bryan and I have a date tonight.  Generally, this means one thing:  we sit in his bedroom and talk about the relationship.  I want to say it’s an improvement, but it’s not.  See, before what would happen is we would either watch a movie (bad for relationship; good for my own sanity), snuggle (way to catch up on sleep!), or he’d sit at his computer and I’d find something do to.  I know, I know, terrible dates.  Bryan and I both kinda-sorta romantic, and we’re both terrible hosts.  We do better in neutral places.  Like restaurants.  We did great in Marg’s Wednesday night.  But we full out started screaming at each other before work yesterday.  As soon as the doors opened, we behaved.  I’m a big enough person that I try not to let my personal life ever get in the way of work, and Bryan’s getting better at it.  Still.  We’re unstable.  He feels like he’s the only one doing any work in the relationship.

Lemme tell you about yesterday morning’s fight.  The issue was this:  I was going to hang out with Sammy for a few hours after work, and Bryan was upset because he feels like I keep pushing him aside.  This comment frustrated me tremendously because I spent almost all my free time with him last week.  And I spent three hours with Sammy last night.  He followed up with; “you only seem to spend time with me when you have to, not when you want to, and you’re willing to make time for other people, not for me.”  The only way I can answer that is:  I feel like I have to spend time with him, or I get scolded for not spending time with him, so the time I spend with  him feels like work.  And I don’t enjoy it.  If he’d just stop demanding all my time, I’d start spending time when I want to, not when he wants me to, and it will be better.  As for the make time for other people- geez, that’s not too hard, since I spend a couple hours with one other person than him maybe once every other week?  Easy to plan around.  And Bryan?  He doesn’t plan ahead.  His thing is:  I’m free, I’m going to hang out with you now.  It’s easy for me to make time for other people because it’s planned usually a couple days in advance.  That was I can work around losing that time.

I’ve tried to tell him these things, but he just doesn’t seem to understand them.  We’re such different people.  He needs very different things than me.  I agree that more quality time will reduce his feeling of needing more time period, but it’s not going to be quality time if I’m informed we’re spending time together instead of being allowed an opinion in it.  I can’t be honest with him when I need my own space, or when I have a lot of work to do, because he takes it personally.  It’s a very frustrating situation.  And I can’t tell if he doesn’t believe me, or doesn’t care, or just plain doesn’t realise how much work he is to me, and that I do try to be good, but this is such a bad match.  People don’t usually see it on the outside, but it’s true.  We do little but fight when other people aren’t around.

I have no choice but to work it out and live with it all.  I dunno.  I’m just unhappy about that.  I’m trying, I really am, but I feel like he tries a little, then stops trying because it’s too hard, or he decides it not fair than I can get what I want and he can’t get everything he wants.  I dunno.  Wish I did.  I’m so frustrated with it.  He’s more than happy to give me material things, and like I said earlier, that’s nice.  But the thought behind them is more important.  And I’d rather have him take a little less, give a little more, that I would like to see Come Fly Away.  Don’t get me wrong- I’m crazy excited, but there are some things in life that are more important.

And I’m still convinced I’m going to get shanked in New York.

Well.  We’ll see how tonight goes.  I don’t know what I’m going to do with myself for the next three hours.  I finished all the work I needed to already this morning.  Ah, sweet boredom, how I appreciate your presence.


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something to think about

"You know, I don't know if you'll understand this or not, but sometimes, even when I'm feeling very low, I'll see some little thing that will somehow renew my faith. Something like that leaf, for instance - clinging to its tree despite wind and storm. You know, that makes me think that courage and tenacity are about the greatest values a man can have. Suddenly my old confidence is back and I know things aren't half as bad as I make them out to be. Suddenly I know that with the strength of his convictions a man can move mountains, and I can proceed with full confidence in the basic goodness of my fellow man. I know that now. I know it." ~ End of Act I in the musical You're a Good Man, Charlie Brown.

competing for the house cup

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