Relationship Rant; Part I

A long time ago, and by “long time”, I mean three-four years ago, a friend/acquaintance of mine wrote the following note as a LiveJournal entry.  I’ve kept it, because I thought it was brilliant. I’m sharing it, because it seems like the right time of year to be relating it.

On that note, I want to make sure everyone realises that this isn’t my original work; it’s the work of Shane Carley, someone I went to high school with. Keep an eye out in the future for another one from my point of view… about the way girls handle things.

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Time for another relaaaaaaaaaationship raaaaaaaaaant!

Girls, it’s about time you realized that we guys are just stupid. We suck at starting relationships, and we suck at carrying on relationships (myself included). We like to think we have our little secrets, and even though we don’t, please, just humor us and pretend we do. And just to start out, I would like to point out that I have already disowned my gender. Good, now that’s out of the way, heh.

Infinitely more important (I think) than the actual relationship is the way a guy approaches it in the first place. A guy, when he meets a girl he thinks he would like to ask out, does not immediately approach her and do so (SECOND DISCLAIMER: This rant applies only to males who have an ounce of intelligence. Jocks and such, this is your cue to stop reading). We guys do our research.

Who are her friends? What do they say about her? What does she enjoy doing? At home? In her free time? What does she think of HERSELF? Can I carry on a conversation with her? And so on.

Of course, he will not openly ask these questions, and not all at once, for that would be quite obvious. In fact, we males like to keep our own interests secret. Our designs on members of the opposite sex are like war plans, kept carefully hidden away until the last minute, when they are sprung on the world all at once, and inevitably botched at every possible opportunity.

Often, the guy fancies that no one is able to guess his ‘war plans’. This is why it is best for a girl to have one or two close guy friends, because, like it or not, they can usually call this sort of thing quite easily. A guy can know like *that* when another guy has a crush on a girl. We just know, don’t ask us to explain it. The girl will often refuse to see it, but it’s up to the guy to make her, through the fine art of persuasion. Usually, the fact that the girl has friends egging her on is the FIRST thing that goes wrong with the guy’s ‘war plans’, as he was rather counting on her not to know. As soon as he finds out she knows, his cover is blown, so to speak, and he becomes very uncomfortable around the girl.

Still, the guy does not usually find out about this little mishap until he is well into many others.

I myself have been trying to study relationships from the girl’s point of view, and I have to say I’ve been shocked at some of the major strategy errors guys make. Looking at it from the guy’s point of view, they seem to be brilliant moves.

Looking at things from the girl’s point of view, however, a lot of the things guys do are so incredibly STUPID, that it makes a guy want to rip of his penis and cease to be one (NOTE: I took the road less traveled and simply disowned my gender, but some of my more testosterone ravaged friends might just choose this option without considering the consequences).

Number One: Subtle hints.

Guys, subtle hints are PATHETIC! All it manages to do is put off the girl and make her friends go crazy. Guys, take note. Every little thing you do in regards to a girl is under close scrutiny from her friends. If you want to keep your widdle crush a secwet, then you probably shouldn’t be making subtle, yet obvious advances. Things not to do: In school, don’t intentionally pair yourself off with her. If you use the internet, don’t track down her screenname. Don’t ask her friends about her. Don’t ask ANYONE about her. When you pass her in the hallway, smile and nod, no more. Anything more than what I have described here will result in the incessant ‘squee-ing’ of her friends, who will in turn make said girl feel very, very uncomfortable around you.

Number Two: Obvious advances.

Obvious advances are a slight improvement over subtle ones. At least obvious advances don’t leave the girl creeped out to be in your presence, and there’s no chance that they can be completely missed in the first place. However, there are still some pretty serious drawbacks. First of all, they tend to leave the girl confused as to the nature of your relationship with her. Guys, if you’re prepared to make obvious advances toward a member of the opposite sex, you’d damn well better be prepared to ask her out. Things not to do: Put your arm around her; it just makes you look like a jerk. Gaze longingly at her; it tends to just completely scare her, not to mention leave her confused. Make up pet names for her; it makes you seem desperate. Write poetry, songs, etc about her; it makes her think you’re going to ask her out soon, so if you do any of the above, you’d better, or risk leaving her confused about her own self worth, among other things. I’m not saying not to do these things, but I am saying that if you’re going to, you should probably be ready to ask her out or risk losing her.

Number Three: Spilling your guts.

It’s ok to talk to a girl. Personally, I feel that it is much easier to talk to a girl with a personal problem, no matter how distressed you are, because as long as a you have established a strong friendship with them, judgements are kept to a minimum (at least openly). I have a few close girl friends who I know I can talk to if I’m depressed for any reason. But still, these are my established friends, one of which I am dating and the other(s? Just one really, but still) I am quite close with. Point is, one I have asked out already and the other I would probably call my best friend. They both know exactly how I feel about them and the nature of the relationship is not in question. But when you open up to someone who it has become obvious you are romantically interested in, they become VERY confused, and understandably so. It shows just how close you have become, yet if you don’t ask them out, it tends to leave them hanging with a sense in unfulfillment and deep, deep confusion. It sucks, any way you look at it. I probably don’t need to do this, but What not to do: Don’t talk about problems at home. Don’t talk about depressing problems with friends. In fact, it’s probably best if you don’t appear depressing to her at all (I’d be fucked).

Number four: The actual asking out process.

This is where most guys really get screwed, and I’m afraid there is not much helpful advise I can offer except a very vehement DON’T USE THE INTERNET OR I ASSURE YOU YOU WILL NEVER HEAR THE END OF IT. Um, anyway. It is impossible for a guy to win in this area. First off, it seems ridiculous to most sensible guys to get down on bended knee with flowers and become sappiness incarnate over a high school relationship, so that option is pretty much right out. However, you can’t risk being to casual either, by which I mean that you have to at the very least let the girl know you care deeply about her. However, right there in the middle there is still no real alternative. Seriously, as a guy, what are you supposed to say? ‘Will you go out with me?’ That is by far the cheesiest and most useless line ever, and I could do a whole rant about it, but for the purposes of not losing you, I will not. In essence, there is no real right way for a guy to ask a girl out (but, as I found out, there is definitely a wrong way). So, let’s recap. What not to do: “Sarah, my love, I cannot bear to be without you for one more moment of my life. You must come with me, so we can express our profound love to the entire world!”, “So, uh, you wanna go out with me or what?”, “Sarah…I just want to know, will you go out with me?”, and most importantly of all, DON’T USE THE INTERNET. THE INTERNET IS NOT YOUR FRIEND.

Of course, if you can figure out that last step you’re golden. Well, actually, if you think that, you’re screwed. Once you’re actually together with said girl, you have a whole NEW plethora or issues for you to deal with.

However, that is a topic for another rant, another day.

Actually, it really isn’t, since as far as keeping relationships go, I have no idea, and don’t exactly consider myself very good at it. But you’d have to ask Sarah about that one.

But that’s not even the point. The point is that guys in general are completely oblivious to the various nuances of acquiring and maintaining a relationship, and it is only with patience and gentle coaxing that we can be maneuvered into a favorable position for a girl to deal with. In any case, we’ve certainly proven that we can’t do it on our own.

Sign me,

Shane Carley, Casual Observer and Notorious Commenter on Human Nature and the Various Oddities and Inconsistencies Contained Therein


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something to think about

"You know, I don't know if you'll understand this or not, but sometimes, even when I'm feeling very low, I'll see some little thing that will somehow renew my faith. Something like that leaf, for instance - clinging to its tree despite wind and storm. You know, that makes me think that courage and tenacity are about the greatest values a man can have. Suddenly my old confidence is back and I know things aren't half as bad as I make them out to be. Suddenly I know that with the strength of his convictions a man can move mountains, and I can proceed with full confidence in the basic goodness of my fellow man. I know that now. I know it." ~ End of Act I in the musical You're a Good Man, Charlie Brown.

competing for the house cup

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