Carpe Diem

Sam playing pool in my basement, April 30, 2010.

“Open the gates and seize the day.  Don’t be afraid and don’t delay.” ~ David Moscow in Newsies.

Yesterday was quite a day.  I spent a little time with a friend at the end of a long, tiring, sun burnt day (and was glad I did) and so made up this poster about her current state of mind- things that she was going to do to make herself happy, things that are really bothering her, things that annoy her, lyrics that describe her feelings; things like that.  The one that really caught my eye was “things I’ve lied about recently”.  See, she and I have a lot of things in common.  One of those things is that we’re really good (and compulsive) liars.  Lately, I’ve been trying not to lie.  My lies (as of late) have been lies of omission.  Things that I feel like I should tell someone, but don’t, or can’t (for some reason; usually because I’m afraid to).  I mean, just plain-up not-telling-the-truth is a lie, right?

So, after she went back inside her house, I took a deep breath, and went and found Bryan.  Bryan and I have been working really hard to improve our relationship and find ourselves in it again.  No.  Scratch that.  Bryan’s been working really hard.  I’ve been sitting and waiting.  He hasn’t asked a lot of me, but the least I could do is be honest with him.  And I haven’t been.  So I met him at the college and we walked around downtown.  From Keene State to Cheshire Homes to the Colony Mill back to Subway and the Central Square.  It was peaceful, the temperature was just right, and I was honest with him.  As honest as I could be.  I mean… it’s really hard to explain to your boyfriend of three years that not only do you bond better with people of the opposite gender (he knew that already) but you often develop crushes on them and become overprotective of them.  That you step outside your relationship and assess what a relationship would be like with them.  Goodness knows I’ve done it so many times since I’ve been dating Bryan.  With Isaac.  With Ian.  With David (although, to my credit, David initiated that train of thought, and it lingered in my brain for a while).  With Sean.  Sean has been the worst.  David could have been the worst, but he was in a relationship with I knew him.  He’s getting married to that same woman now, next summer.  I’m really happy for him.  But it’s been different with Sean lately.

I told Bryan this.  Since I told Bryan this, it doesn’t seem weird saying it anymore.  Sean is a really nice guy.  He’s got a great sense of humor, a million stories, and he definitely has one thing that Bryan hasn’t:  empathy.  But on the other hand, I still see that he likes to drink (a lot) and he has a huge circle of friends (I’m not a social person.  Me + computer = love), he’s an athlete (never much cared for the whole sweaty body-builder whatevs thing).  I don’t find him physically attractive (I also don’t find him physically unattractive.  In his case, it’s the hair.  His hair is really thin, not luscious.  Hair is a big thing for me).  But yet, whenever I’ve been with him lately, I feel uplifted, even if only in the smallest way.  And whenever I mention my relationship to Bryan with him, I feel like I come back to “why am I with him anyway?” and we find a whole new list of incompatibilities.  It’s interesting, to say the least.  I don’t know.  Maybe I’m just looking for them.

But you know what?  I told Bryan all that.  Every word.  And he didn’t get mad, he didn’t get jealous, he didn’t get upset.  He just walked beside me and trusted me in a way that he never has before.  That meant a lot to me, so very much, and I felt like this huge burden had been lifted.  Now Bryan knows, I feel silly about it all.  Bryan never said a word against me.  He didn’t cling.  He openly admitted that things like that… they’ve happened to him in the past too.  And like me, there was nothing concrete, there was nothing better in the potentiality of a relationship with the others.  And there’s no promise of a relationship at any rate, if things had been broken off.  It felt so good, having him confide that in me.  I feel, this morning, so much better (sans sun burn and impending final exam).

I think, through Sean and Sammy’s guidance (Sammy is totally my pep talk girl.  She tells me straight up when I’m being stupid, and I love it) and Bryan and I learning to trust each other again… I’m going to be okay.  I’m still terrified about my future (so close and daunting) and I’m still a little indifferent about the world at times (honestly think it might be springtime + stress, though.  I really, really hate springtime).  But today is Thursday.  It’s not a special day, but it’s a new day.  And I’m going to step up and be a big person, and well… carpe diem.  I’m going to seize the day.

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Weather ReportWeather Report: It’s cool and raining again.  My sun-burnt shoulders are relieved.  Going to need to dig out a coat, though.  Maybe I’ll find my school id in one of the pockets.

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Health ReportHealth Report: My stomach is growling.  My diet yesterday was terrible, and I’m still regretting it.  When I got home from work I had a whole can of tomato soup mixed with water, basil, cayenne, and mozzarella cheese.  Plus five slices of white bread smothered with I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter.  Pretty bad, right?  But that wasn’t the worst of it.  I later had a small serving of Spanish rice with mozzarella cheese.  Then a whole pint of Ben and Jerry’s Extreme Chocolate Brownie ice cream. … … And then (wait for it) a flat bread wrap from Subway with teriyaki chicken, Monterrey Jack cheese, some onions and a small amount of sweet onions sauce.  So yeah.  I feel fat.  Over the last two days, I have spent between six and eight hours walking, but I’m pretty sure that won’t cover the Ben and Jerry’s….

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Words Worth Getting AtWords Worth Getting At: I wrote a Flash Fic yesterday, but then the internet went down, so I posted it this morning.  The words were crap yesterday.  And I was watching NCIS simultaneously, so it’s definitely not my best work.  You can kind of see where NCIS inspired it, though.  It’s Inspection Day.  …  I’ve also been working on a “book of cheat sheets,” I’m calling it.  Mini-character sketches with the most basic of information.  Got Daniel, Harley, and Riley done so far.  I may do some more soon-ish.  I want to get bits and pieces of the world in there too, if I can.  Just a quick reference guide that’s a little lighter and more mobile than the binder I’ve got my 20-page character sketches shoved into now.

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Social LifeSocial Life: I think I’ve been pretty busy this week!  Sean on Tuesday, then both Sammy and Bryan yesterday (w00t for spontaneous hang out time!) and then I’m getting up crazy early tomorrow to meet Bryan for breakfast, because we want to go the the Swanzey Diner, because they’re yummy.  I’ve already got my heart set on stuffed french toast!

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Schoolhouse RockSchoolhouse Rock: I have my last final today.  Almost officially done with my junior year of college.  Holy Number 2 Pencils, Batman… that’s kinda terrifying.

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something to think about

"You know, I don't know if you'll understand this or not, but sometimes, even when I'm feeling very low, I'll see some little thing that will somehow renew my faith. Something like that leaf, for instance - clinging to its tree despite wind and storm. You know, that makes me think that courage and tenacity are about the greatest values a man can have. Suddenly my old confidence is back and I know things aren't half as bad as I make them out to be. Suddenly I know that with the strength of his convictions a man can move mountains, and I can proceed with full confidence in the basic goodness of my fellow man. I know that now. I know it." ~ End of Act I in the musical You're a Good Man, Charlie Brown.

competing for the house cup

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