All the Little Things….

Heather and Ashley fighting over the pinata at Caitlyn's Sweet 16.

“What I needed most was to love and to be loved, eager to be caught. Happily I wrapped those painful bonds around me; and sure enough, I would be lashed with the red-hot pokers of jealousy, by suspicions and fear, by burst of anger and quarrels.” ~ Saint Augustine.

Sean’s back and I couldn’t be happier.  Lets see if I stay happy.  Right now, I am.  And he remembered to get me my shell, which also makes me happy, and its going to go on a shelf with Steve (the stingray-rock) and Steve’s friend (the heart-shape rock)

I’m a sucker for tidbits and gidgets.  They’re no fun if you buy them for yourself, but when other people see you and say “HEY!  I was at the dollar store and I saw this terribly ugly thing and it reminded me of you because of this conversation we had once about this thing and that and then we ended up talking about owls and isn’t this the ugliest owl you’ve ever seen?  It’s for you!” … that?  That’s awesome.  And even if it’s the ugliest thing in the world, I will find a home for it.

DISCLAIMER:  don’t get me a lot of random little things, because I’m running out of space!  But they’ll still make me happy.  But only because it shows that you were thinking of me.  See, that’s the thing.  It may be the ugliest owl in the world, but you wanted to make me happy with it, because it made you think of me and made you happy, and we share happiness, and it’s fun.

There’s a lot of happy going around today.  I kinda hope it hangs around.  Dunno if it will, but I’d like it if it did.

See, the only reason I can think of why it wouldn’t hang around is because of tonight.  Bryan and I have a date tonight.  Generally, this means one thing:  we sit in his bedroom and talk about the relationship.  I want to say it’s an improvement, but it’s not.  See, before what would happen is we would either watch a movie (bad for relationship; good for my own sanity), snuggle (way to catch up on sleep!), or he’d sit at his computer and I’d find something do to.  I know, I know, terrible dates.  Bryan and I both kinda-sorta romantic, and we’re both terrible hosts.  We do better in neutral places.  Like restaurants.  We did great in Marg’s Wednesday night.  But we full out started screaming at each other before work yesterday.  As soon as the doors opened, we behaved.  I’m a big enough person that I try not to let my personal life ever get in the way of work, and Bryan’s getting better at it.  Still.  We’re unstable.  He feels like he’s the only one doing any work in the relationship.

Lemme tell you about yesterday morning’s fight.  The issue was this:  I was going to hang out with Sammy for a few hours after work, and Bryan was upset because he feels like I keep pushing him aside.  This comment frustrated me tremendously because I spent almost all my free time with him last week.  And I spent three hours with Sammy last night.  He followed up with; “you only seem to spend time with me when you have to, not when you want to, and you’re willing to make time for other people, not for me.”  The only way I can answer that is:  I feel like I have to spend time with him, or I get scolded for not spending time with him, so the time I spend with  him feels like work.  And I don’t enjoy it.  If he’d just stop demanding all my time, I’d start spending time when I want to, not when he wants me to, and it will be better.  As for the make time for other people- geez, that’s not too hard, since I spend a couple hours with one other person than him maybe once every other week?  Easy to plan around.  And Bryan?  He doesn’t plan ahead.  His thing is:  I’m free, I’m going to hang out with you now.  It’s easy for me to make time for other people because it’s planned usually a couple days in advance.  That was I can work around losing that time.

I’ve tried to tell him these things, but he just doesn’t seem to understand them.  We’re such different people.  He needs very different things than me.  I agree that more quality time will reduce his feeling of needing more time period, but it’s not going to be quality time if I’m informed we’re spending time together instead of being allowed an opinion in it.  I can’t be honest with him when I need my own space, or when I have a lot of work to do, because he takes it personally.  It’s a very frustrating situation.  And I can’t tell if he doesn’t believe me, or doesn’t care, or just plain doesn’t realise how much work he is to me, and that I do try to be good, but this is such a bad match.  People don’t usually see it on the outside, but it’s true.  We do little but fight when other people aren’t around.

I have no choice but to work it out and live with it all.  I dunno.  I’m just unhappy about that.  I’m trying, I really am, but I feel like he tries a little, then stops trying because it’s too hard, or he decides it not fair than I can get what I want and he can’t get everything he wants.  I dunno.  Wish I did.  I’m so frustrated with it.  He’s more than happy to give me material things, and like I said earlier, that’s nice.  But the thought behind them is more important.  And I’d rather have him take a little less, give a little more, that I would like to see Come Fly Away.  Don’t get me wrong- I’m crazy excited, but there are some things in life that are more important.

And I’m still convinced I’m going to get shanked in New York.

Well.  We’ll see how tonight goes.  I don’t know what I’m going to do with myself for the next three hours.  I finished all the work I needed to already this morning.  Ah, sweet boredom, how I appreciate your presence.

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something to think about

"You know, I don't know if you'll understand this or not, but sometimes, even when I'm feeling very low, I'll see some little thing that will somehow renew my faith. Something like that leaf, for instance - clinging to its tree despite wind and storm. You know, that makes me think that courage and tenacity are about the greatest values a man can have. Suddenly my old confidence is back and I know things aren't half as bad as I make them out to be. Suddenly I know that with the strength of his convictions a man can move mountains, and I can proceed with full confidence in the basic goodness of my fellow man. I know that now. I know it." ~ End of Act I in the musical You're a Good Man, Charlie Brown.

competing for the house cup

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