Posts Tagged 'Frustration'

Hello Darkness, My Old Friend

Deviant Artist Self-Photo (not me)

Let me set the scene for you.

The air inside the cabin is dank and musty, and you feel your allergies acting up, so you step outside on to the rough wood porch overlooking rolling fields.  The sun is just creeping up behind the farthest green hill, and the sky is splattered in pink and blue.  You’re not alone on the porch, even though it’s just barely sunrise.  But you’re not surprised.

Leaning against the dipped wood rail, her hands are wrapped tight around the bone china teacup.  She doesn’t say anything to you; just flicks her short red hair over her shoulder and takes a sip.  It’s a little strange, seeing an experienced army pilot watching the sunrise and drinking herbal tea from a cup painted with dainty yellow flowers.

Meet Jylouna Martin.

She is my nemesis.

For the last I-don’t-know-how-many-weeks I have been fighting a silent battle with her.  I avoid writing in her perspective because she simply disapproves of it.  Just.  Can’t.  Get.  Into.  Her.  Voice.  Ever. I love her character (I love all my characters) but whenever I read back what I have written I feel like crumbling up a piece of paper and throwing it violently at… something.  Only I write on my computer, and it’s harder to crumble my laptop screen.

I was pacing back and forth in my room when I reopened Chapter Four of Fate for editing.  Partially because Jyla was up to her old “you’re-going-to-write-in-my-voice?–I-think-not” tricks, but my difficulties were also coming from a different character:  Timothy Brown.  Since my goal is to finish ‘Tweens by the end of the year, I’ve been writing, even thinking a lot in Timmy’s voice.  So as I was trying to write Jyla, I was writing Timmy.  Editing is slow.

Ever have that problem?  A character voice you have a lot of trouble writing in?  What is your greatest difficulty when switching efforts from one work-in-progress to another?

Also, I wanted to share this.  I know I’m three months early, but I just discovered the band All Caps and I thought maybe some people could relate to the sentiment of this video.


Terror Tuesday

Every once in a rare while I come across a day that depresses me to the core.  One of the days that makes me feel like I’d rather be burrowed inside myself in a small, safe room with only one window looking out into a forest with no human contact.  These are days that – despite their glimpses of humanity – so rotten to the core that flakes have fallen off my soul and disintegrating into the past.

Today was one such day.

On days like these, I will be too lazy/depressed to bother with any sort of formatting.  Inspirational quotations seem mocking and therefore I will not post them.  Photos are too cheerful, and will not compliment any posts.

But yet, despite all these offsets, I will often still write, because it is my natural inclination to pour my soul on a page and to let the ink (or, in this case, pixels) seep into the pure whiteness and taint it.  What I do write will be full of images, but a tad overdramatic.  My censors fall down because I am in a state of not caring.  Sometimes, on these days, I will write about the reasons of my unhappiness.  Other times I will simply write about the feeling of depression.  I often feel like my emotions are either unwarranted or else will not be understood by anyone else, and therefore I will be looked down upon to share their source.

In brief, I have dubbed today “Terror Tuesday” due to the collection of mishaps and frustrations that have tumbled into my lap one right after the other.  For the flood of tears I have held back between the gray walls in my irises.  One snowflake is not alarming, but when many snowflakes fall all at once from the sky and trample the world, they are a blizzard, and everyone fears.  In the same way, a small hurt, a single frustration, can be healed with a small matter of time.  But when these things come in hoards, fighting and slashing until a human looks more like a pile of dog chow, then a small amount of self-pity is warranted, as long as it doesn’t interfere with anyone else’s lives, which I have strived today to be sure of.  But in is 10:30pm, and this is the end of Terror Tuesday.

Tomorrow, I pray, will have signs of improvement.


something to think about

"You know, I don't know if you'll understand this or not, but sometimes, even when I'm feeling very low, I'll see some little thing that will somehow renew my faith. Something like that leaf, for instance - clinging to its tree despite wind and storm. You know, that makes me think that courage and tenacity are about the greatest values a man can have. Suddenly my old confidence is back and I know things aren't half as bad as I make them out to be. Suddenly I know that with the strength of his convictions a man can move mountains, and I can proceed with full confidence in the basic goodness of my fellow man. I know that now. I know it." ~ End of Act I in the musical You're a Good Man, Charlie Brown.

competing for the house cup

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