Dirt had caked itself into every crease on my hands, like chocolate frosting, only more disgusting. I cringed and looked up at the empty ceiling, and the hole I had been thrown through. My only little bit of sunlight.

The walls were caked with dirt, but when I felt madness creeping over me like an old friend, I would scratch away the layers of grime until it began to crumble away on its own, burying itself beneath my once-manicured nails and revealing time-aged paintings and etchings on the walls. I think by some fleeting hope I was expecting an escape to be hidden under that dirty mess. I must’ve been half-mad to even think I had any hope of escape.

Most the time, I just lay on the floor and stare into the light. My hair clumped together, coated in grease, and spiders would crawl over my fingertips. It didn’t matter anymore, though, because I wasn’t the girl who was afraid of spiders, or the girl who needed to look pretty. I didn’t listen to U2 and live for the next episode of The Hills. I didn’t even know who that girl was anymore.

In that hole, I became somebody else. I grew a protective outer shell, like a turtle, and I could hide within it whenever I needed. I could bury myself in my emotional shell and I was safe there, and my body could interact with the environment however it wanted. I wasn’t mad. There is no such thing as madness in Wonderland. I learned to protect myself in the only way I could.

I hid behind a shield of mental instability. It was the only place that I felt sane.


Word: Identity. || Time: 8 minutes. || Character: Yvette Hatter.


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something to think about

"You know, I don't know if you'll understand this or not, but sometimes, even when I'm feeling very low, I'll see some little thing that will somehow renew my faith. Something like that leaf, for instance - clinging to its tree despite wind and storm. You know, that makes me think that courage and tenacity are about the greatest values a man can have. Suddenly my old confidence is back and I know things aren't half as bad as I make them out to be. Suddenly I know that with the strength of his convictions a man can move mountains, and I can proceed with full confidence in the basic goodness of my fellow man. I know that now. I know it." ~ End of Act I in the musical You're a Good Man, Charlie Brown.

competing for the house cup

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