To Whomever It May Concern….

Dan and his Ice Cream; June 2, 2007

“Without ice cream, there would be darkness and chaos.” ~ Don Kardong.

Dear Mister Jackson,

I am appalled, absolutely appalled with your invention.  I suppose I shouldn’t even call it your invention, since technically some form of it has been worshipped since the time of the Roman “Emperor” Nero.  Nonetheless, of all the people I could have chosen, I have pinpointed you as the most significant individual, and therefore, I am appalled with you, and your invention, too.

You see, Mister Jackson, in 1832, you probably thought yourself brilliant as you sat there, in your posh little home, thinking up new flavors the way Willy Wonka thinks up new sweets.  You didn’t realise that Misters Cohen and Greenfield would take your contribution so seriously and create a flurry of wonderful new flavors that would overrun the state of Vermont.  And then, Mister Jackson, Cohen and Greenfield would take it to another level.  They would break the hearts of children everywhere, telling them no, we don’t care if you liked that flavor, it’s gone.  Gone forever.  How cruel it is to see your favorite flavor lose forever to the Flavor Graveyard!

I haven’t even begun to talk about calories, Mister Jackson.  250 for 1/2 a cup of it?  Why, a proper treat takes twice that amount.  Mister Jackson, really, my hips hate you more than any other part of me.  My dependence on your delights disrupts the equilibrium of my soul.

So Mister Jackson, as I sit here, curled in a corner with a mug of Rocky Road, I hope you feel guilty from your rocking chair in the clouds for the anguish you put me in.

Yours inconsistently,

Amber Harris.

P.S. Put in a good word with Misters Cohen and Greenfield for me, please.  I want my Vermonty Python back.

R.I.P. Vermonty Python


1 Response to “To Whomever It May Concern….”

  1. 1 Daryl June 5, 2010 at 7:45 pm

    Love it!

    Ministry of Silly Desserts, anyone??

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something to think about

"You know, I don't know if you'll understand this or not, but sometimes, even when I'm feeling very low, I'll see some little thing that will somehow renew my faith. Something like that leaf, for instance - clinging to its tree despite wind and storm. You know, that makes me think that courage and tenacity are about the greatest values a man can have. Suddenly my old confidence is back and I know things aren't half as bad as I make them out to be. Suddenly I know that with the strength of his convictions a man can move mountains, and I can proceed with full confidence in the basic goodness of my fellow man. I know that now. I know it." ~ End of Act I in the musical You're a Good Man, Charlie Brown.

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