And She Danced Among the Stars

“Nothing takes the taste out of peanut butter quite like unrequited love.” ~ Charles M. Schultz

As I was falling asleep last night, grumbling about my migraine, I was looking at the stars outside my window.  I am firmly convinced that stars my be one of the most beautiful things in existence.  Yes- I know they’re secret ninja suns out there; big gaseous balls of fire burning millions of miles away.  But they’re so beautiful, and I’m one of those overly romantic dopes, and they give me hope.

I feel responsible to explain the above image.  Usually, my images are irrelevant, or else they’re metaphorical.  This one is entirely relevant.  I went looking for this picture, and I scanned it in, especially because it is relevant to my thoughts today.  I was freaking out a little at first, because it wasn’t among my digital albums of photos.  Did I sink to my usual “Ugh, I’m really over him!” thing and throw it away?  But I rifled through some boxes downstairs and found it in a dusty old photo album.  See, I wanted this picture in particular, because it reminded me of something I’ve seen recently.

(Sidenote: I just friended the lovely gentleman in the picture on Facebook.  The last time I looked him up, I couldn’t find him [you’ll know why when I go into detail] but this time we have two mutual friends:  Rebekah Howland and Eric Timmons.  Rebekah’s no surprise, but Timmons? … I think he knows everybody)

Let me introduce you to the people you see in this picture.  I’m the girl on the left.  The gentleman on the right is Kendon Mulanax.  I was in love with him for three years.  Probably more than that, actually, but I was grossly obsessed with him for three years.  Kendon and I had one of those unfortunate things where he liked me a lot when I liked someone else more than I liked him… and so by the time I “was completely in love” with him, he had lost interest.  But that didn’t stop me.  Heck, I didn’t mind being completely in love with him even if he didn’t love me.  I used to have millions of journal posts about him when GreatestJournal still existed.  Kendon was all I could think of day and night.  I didn’t care that he didn’t like me because he was still gorgeous and blonde and athletic and smart and witty and kind.  Being in his presence was enough to make me happy.  Besides, who knew, maybe he’d change his mind.  Maybe if I could be smart enough, pretty enough, brave enough (maybe if I nagged enough….) he’d fall back in love with me.

It didn’t happen, of course.  Kendon was more interested in another girl who was nice as anything.  She was a wonderful girl and I didn’t know what to do for myself.  She wasn’t interested in him as more than a friend.  But he never gave up and her… and I never gave up on him.  Kinda a crappy situation, right?  He’s in love with her and I’m in love with him.  She likes him well enough as a friend, and he’s not all that into me at all.  I mean, we bicker sometimes.  I liked arguing with him, because we were both smart and could argue well (lets face it, arguing no fun unless you’re arguing against a worthy opponents).  I’m a competitive person, so we were always competing.  That was the closest I could get to him.  I held on to it.

Then, you see, I lost him.  Kendon was the Pastor’s son at my church, and over the course of one month, there was a lot of drama in my church.  There’s no need to discuss that, but the end result was that Kendon moved with his family back to Oklahoma.  I don’t remember even saying goodbye.  One day, he was there, and the next… no youth group, and he was gone.  I haven’t spoken to him since.

If I could go back and do things again… would I?  I don’t know, to be honest.  I part of me still cares about him.  I care about all the people I encounter, and I care a little bit extra for all the people I’ve given a little piece of my heart to.  But I lost him, and all I know that he could possibly remember about me was that I stalked him almost mercilessly.  That I never cared how he felt.  What an impression to leave, right?

Who knows what he thinks.  Who knows if he even remembers?  I guess in the end, it doesn’t matter.  But that is my story to share today.

Don’t get me wrong.  I have so many amazing memories with him.  I remember laughing with him to pieces.  He gave amazing hugs.  I mean, there are all sorts of things I wouldn’t take back, so don’t me wrong, life was great.  I don’t regret it.  Sometimes I wish I didn’t do some of the things I did, but there are so many really excellent parts about our friendship.  I won’t list all the events we went to, but I’ll mention my favorite memory, in brief.  My eighth grade year, we went to a winter camp for a weekend.  It was the only year that my youth group went to a winter camp.  When we went, I had the most terrible sore throat.  I couldn’t talk or anything…  but I went anyway.  I had a great time that weekend, even though I couldn’t speak at the beginning. Kendon would tease me something awful, but pretty soon, I was getting my voice back… and he was losing his.  By the end, we had switched places entirely.  But he was still singing “Lean on Me,” even though his voice was cracking like a pre-pubescent boy.

Oh!  And there was one Superbowl Sunday when the game was really boring so we had a snowball fight outside.  That was fun, too!

I’m digressing.

This entry has no point.  I’m just sharing a story because I wanted to.  And because it feels relevant to a friend right now.  I’ll probably write something more later, something a little more about my life in the present and a little less like images of my past.  I just want someone to see this, so maybe they’ll know that I know where they’ve been.  And that there’s no answer, no saying goodbye, and no winning, most the time.

But also so they know that I love them and that I’m here for them, for anything they want to share.

(Hey you down there! Yep, you!  Did you ever feel like you were being targetted by a blog entry?)


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something to think about

"You know, I don't know if you'll understand this or not, but sometimes, even when I'm feeling very low, I'll see some little thing that will somehow renew my faith. Something like that leaf, for instance - clinging to its tree despite wind and storm. You know, that makes me think that courage and tenacity are about the greatest values a man can have. Suddenly my old confidence is back and I know things aren't half as bad as I make them out to be. Suddenly I know that with the strength of his convictions a man can move mountains, and I can proceed with full confidence in the basic goodness of my fellow man. I know that now. I know it." ~ End of Act I in the musical You're a Good Man, Charlie Brown.

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